the bargaining

time is running out

it's 7 in the morning
and I'm completely numb.
I'm frozen to the feeling of not being able to be happy.
happy is something foreign to me.
I never been truly happy.

my brain is infected with relentless mental beliefs.
I think about what it would be like to throw myself into the abyss and never be seen again.
I often tell myself that this life is beautiful but to me,
when I say that
I know I'm lying.

life is beautiful for some people but all I see is ugly all around me.
ugly thoughts.
ugly feelings.
ugly cries.
ugly hurt.
when will I get to see life as beautiful?

I try to tell myself that everything will be okay
but it hasn't been okay ever since I was 9 years old.
I try to tell myself that my pain will ease but it hasn't eased, it just got worse.

I feel like I'm in the water being drowned
I'm trying to swim up back to the surface
but it feels like stones and rocks are tied to my feet pulling me down even more.
it feels like I'm trapped in a pitch black hole with no way to escape.
I feel like I can never escape this pressure from deep within.

It's 7 in the morning and I'm thinking about
who would miss me if I was gone
who would think about me
who would write about me
who would talk about me

I think about those things because
I don't know how much longer I have
I try to wait it out
give it some time
but it seems that time is running

out.