the bargaining

i deserve this?

it repeats itself.
me seeing the good in people and me completely being wrong.
me accepting whatever they give me whether it's good or bad because at least I get something. That's what I say to myself.
at least I get something out of it.

it repeats.
me saying sorry for whatever I've done or haven't done to make them turn a switch.
I tell myself that I'm lucky to even have them in my life
That I'm lucky because of all the pain I've caused
that I'm lucky that even though I'm getting my karma
I had at least someone even if that person isn't meant to be in my life anymore.

I don't know how it feels to appreciate and accept love or know what love is because I think love is you settling for something you know isn't good for you but you do it anyways because you don't want to feel lonely.
It's so bad to feel lonely.
It hurts too much.

so when someone gives me a weird glare when I tell them about all of the bad shit I've endured from these people but I don't walk away
I'd tell those people that
at least, I have them.

isn't it better to have someone and put up with their misfortunes than to be lonely and sad?
then that person looks at me and looks away and says to me

"I guess you're right"
so I'm correct,

right?

I deserve this?