the bargaining

tainted

there was something about him.
the way he laughed,
the way he smiled,
the way his face lights up when he talks about something he's passionate about,
the way he looks when he was frustrated about something,
the way even though he's going through something, he still had a positive outlook.

I still remember when he kissed me.
Even though that was ages ago,
something about that kiss, I still feel his lips on my lips.
I remember the way he looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman he have ever seen.
I remember the way he made me feel comfortable about being me,
about being my size,
about how I looked,
he never failed to amaze me at that time.

now years has passed,
I was longing for love,
I was so desperately in awe of him when he found his way back to my heart.
that damn laugh,
that damn smile,
that damn voice,
Oh how it got me.

that fantasy with him ended.
I don't know how to feel about that.
I still think about him,
about what he's doing,
about who he's with,
about how he feels.

it's hard to shake the feeling of him,
I don't want to feel him anymore,
I don't want to think about him anymore
but yet, I write these poems about him in hopes that it brings him back.

but it won't.

and I can't allow him back into my life
just to swallow me whole again and throw me up.

instead, I let him linger in the back of my mind
while I cry.

the memories of him still haunts me,
but I rather think about him
then to be with him because of how
he ruined my spirit.

my spirit is now tainted
and he will never cross paths with me again.