the bargaining

misery

they say I have a anger problem.
why am I angry?
what does anger really mean?

they say I lose my temper.
my temper is particularly short.
I yell with my voice while all of these thoughts are drowning in my head.
I tell people that I'm just having a bad day when really,
I have nothing but bad days.

bad days feels like you're trapped
with no keys to let you escape.
I mean there are keys but those keys are only temporary.
I don't want to have temporary keys, I want to have permanent ones.

I want to have a permanent key to free me from all of these poisonous thoughts,
I want it gone,
I want all the negativity gone,
All the longing gone,
I need it gone.

I just breathe in and slowly breathe out
because I know as long as I'm here I'm going to be angry,
I'm going to raise my voice sometimes,
I'm going to cry,
I'm going to obsessively think,
I'm going to stay trapped,
And that's misery.

Misery is something I learn to grow fond of,
That's the only thing I have.
That's the only thing that kept me safe for a long time.
That's something that I'm accustomed to and I don't think there's no other solutions to pull me out.

I learned that I'm okay with that.
Accepting that is definitely torture,
It's something I'm not proud to admit or accept.
But what can you do?
When misery is the only thing that gets you.