the bargaining

dying to be in your shoes

I toast to the ones who kindly made it to the age of 23 without being bombarded with intrusive, dark, twisted thoughts inside their heads.
I toast to the ones who can find a reason to smile every single day when I can't even find one reason.
I toast to the ones who can go outside without having anxiety when I can't even step outside without having a panic attack.
I toast to the ones who can be their authentic self without a care in the world when I hesitate to be myself.
I toast to the ones who heal over a situation when I can't even release my emotions to even heal.

I may sound like I'm jealous and that's because I am.
I'm jealous that I can't be like that.
I'm jealous because I have to struggle with the fact that I'm going to die young and I'm not going to be able to obtain happiness like the rest of them.
I'm jealous because they can find the light in something so dark but I can only see the darkness always creeping into the cracks.

I may have cried thousands of tears
all by myself
vacant and lonely.
I know what it's like to not feel like you have control over yourself nor your life but you rather crash than to avoid the crash because you know even if you tried to avoid it, it'll just keep coming back
again
and again.

even though I'm jealous and I scream, shout at the top of my lungs
I hope you are having a good time.
and if you are one of these lucky people that I've talked about
Please
Don't take that for granted because most people are dying to be in your shoes.