the bargaining

friendship

it's over now.
the friendship has faded away like paint fades away on chip paint.
when you break up with a friend
it's not like any regular break up.

it's the most painful break ever that has ever existed.
I think about all the times we stayed up talking about random things,
empty nothings,
about our future and our future memories.
I think about our memories often like replaying an old tape over and over in my head with so many different flashbacks of us that never leaves my brain.

we barely talk these days and it feels like I'm swallowing shallow air whenever I breathe in.
I see you on our socials with your other friends getting closer as we slowly become strangers again.
I tell you I miss you and you tell me you miss me too but you never really seem to do nothing about it, it just seems like you only say it back because you feel like you have to say it or you just don't want to hurt my feelings so you continue to go with the narrative.

there's a million things that I could text you right now about how I'm feeling
about how we can fix this relationship of ours
about why we are suddenly falling apart but I don't type it out anymore because I refuse to get hurt by your answer or non answer.
I know exactly what you would say to me if I were to send that paragraph
And you would honestly be pretty annoyed or upset or you just wouldn't even care.

my gut feeling is telling me that it's over.
no more hearing you laugh
no more hugs
no more cries together
no more happy moments
no more happy memories
nothing.
all erased in a flash.

I will not forget you
nor the friendship we had
but I wonder if it was really a friendship

or a moment that was meant to pass.