Only the "Strong" Survive | Paul Lahote |

*chapter sixteen*

It connected, the hit connected. I know it did, I felt it make contact with Paul's arm. I saw the blood on his arm, I remember it so vividly - so much so that it had to be true. But there he was sitting next to me at the table and nothing, no mark. It was a struggle to not stare at his arm, trying to find any signs of the damage I knew I made. Everytime I looked over at him, he seemed to feel and looked at me too with a smile.

Everyone was talking and laughing, there was some sort of hockey game or something. To be honest I was only half listening, just messing around with the food on my plate moving it back and forth as my mind continued to race.

"You okay honey?" Emily asked quietly leaning over to me.

I nodded, she'd probably think I was crazy for overthinking this the way I am. I could find myself in a 72 hour lock up for real this time.

"You're not eating though."

On the other hand, Emily has always been kind and caring. She's always listens when I babble, if there was anyone willing to listen it would be her for sure.

"Can we talk...away from the boys?" I asked, putting my fork down and turning my knees more towards her.

Emily nodded and took my hand.

"Where are you going?" Paul asked as we stood up.

Emily looked at me, then back at him, "We have female things to talk about."

I giggled a little at the looks that spread across the boys faces after Emily chose to drag out the word female. She knew it was the best way to shut them up and keep them from asking questions.

We walked out the front door and onto the front porch, it was chilly out. Snow on the ground from a few days ago, but Emily had been smart enough to grab a blanket so it should've been fine for a few minutes.

"So what's on your mind?"

"Bare with me this might just sound crazy," I sighed and Emily smiled reassuringly, "when I came here tonight Paul scared me. He grabbed me from behind and I swung, and I had my keys, and I hit him. I KNOW I hit him, there was a cut and some blood. And now...nothing. Actually, when we got to the door there was nothing. It's like I imagined it."

Emily purses her lips, and then sighed. She looked away from me and out into the front yard, looking for the right words to say. And I watched her for the moment as she fiddled with her fingers, clearly thinking.

"You're not crazy...but I'm guessing you didn't actually hit him. Maybe you just wanted to? Obviously, not knowing it was Paul you probably just wanted to hurt whoever you thought it was. So I don't know, but I wouldn't let it stress you out."

Emily finished her sentence, standing quickly and leaving me sitting there alone. It felt very much like there was still more for her to say, I stared as she walked inside and slouched back onto the bench. Stunned at her fast exit. She thinks I'm crazy, I guarantee it.

The door opened again, I looked up to see Paul. He smiled at me, "It's a little cold out here, don't you think?"

"It's fine. I'm fine."

I didn't want him to sit with me. I didn't want him near me. I felt like I was losing my mind and having him around wasn't going to help.

"Can I sit?"

"I'd rather you didn't." I said speaking softly and looking away from him

"Is this because of me scaring you early? I'm sorry, bad judgement. I just was excited to see you."

"It's fine Paul."

He decided to ignore me and sat down next to me anyway. To be honest, the warmth that constantly radiate off him was nice.

"Just gonna keep ignoring me all night? Or should I look away so you can go back to staring?"

I stayed quiet, incredibly uncomfortable and not even able to convey into words what exactly was wrong. Something was, it felt like they were all hiding something from me all of sudden. I could remember the time when Seth hit his head hard on the kitchen table reaching for something under it, and didn't even say ouch. Or when Embry and Jacob wrestled outside and one of them ended up with other in a headlock - anyone else would've passed out with how long they were held but nothing. It was as though they were invincible.

"What the hell is going on with you Joni? You've been acting weird all night." Paul said sternly, turning his shoulders to face me.

"Nothing. Everything is fine. Can you just leave me alone?"

"Leave you alone?"

"Yes!" I snapped.

There was hurt in his eyes, but his fists were then clinched, "Not until you tell me what's going on."

"I don't have to tell you jackshit." My tone was very annoyed, I shocked myself. Never once had I spoked so rudely to him.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Now you're just not fucking talking to me? I said I was sorry!"

Paul was standing now, a foot away from me literally yelling at me. I just stared at him, at the guy I thought I'd known so well a week ago and just felt like a stranger at the moment. Fists tight, face red, eyes squinted into a darting glare and he was shaking. Literally shaking, there was no other way to describe it, and it was terrifying.

I stood up cowering ever so slightly past him. Needing to make some room as his breathing just got heavier and heavier. The shaking didn't stop.

"P..Paul?"

"What?! Now you're fucking talk?!"

I looked at him, at the door, at the stairs. My arms wrapped around me and I took another step back, "You're scaring me."

The door swung open as Paul let go of his fists, his mouth went to open and he eyes became filled with sadness.

"Paul. Inside. Now."