The Black The white and the grey.

Chapter 30 | Closer together.

Kaboentle.

I feel sick and I feel like my world is coming down on me and I have no right to feel that way that I am feeling, but the sad part ? I can't seem to do anything about these emotions except to pretend.

Duma is dead.

He left me.

He's left me twice before and each time feels worse than the last.
Within the two months that we had spent together after those five nights I looked forward to spending our lives together but marriage just wasn't in the cards for me yet and I didn't even know this man but I know that felt safe and secure when I was around him and i was so sure about us. I was certain and at that point I didn't care about my royal status.
I was intoxicated and untouchable all because of him.

And then... he had to leave again, "for business" he said. We made promises and spoke about how we would pick up where he left off when he came back and I was excited and I looked forward to It, I looked forward to actually spending not just what seemed to be just a figment of my imagination but what could become our reality, our future.
As I watched him get on his family's private jet it dawned on me that this is the man that I was ready to risk it all for, the man I'd want to grow old beside. My fear of marriage had gone out of the window by the time he left the grounds And so I waited for him to come back within the week that he said he would so I can tell him that I wanted him to marry, untill he grew quiet and I never heard from him again.

The promises we made to each other and the world we imagined for us both dissappeard when it hit the two year mark and I'd heard nothing from him.
I spiraled and fell into a depressive state and I couldn't tell my family about my escapades, and so I kept it quiet and I kept it to myself, I concluded that he was just like all these other man,and now fast foward a year later from all of this.

I realise that he never broke any promises he made to me at all.
He just didn't get the chance to see this through and that's what hurts me the most. The fact that we got robbed of our opportunity. Duma was living on borrowed time and he didn't even know it.

"Love ?"
He calls and I turn around to his direction and I stare up at him. Patient eyes and everything as he squads down infront of me and he holds both my hands inside his and he kisses them both.

I give him a small smile and he gives me one of his killer smiles as well.

There's no doubt in my mind that I am utterly inlove with this man.

Oh lord, this feels like an episode of the bold and the beautiful.

"Are we okay ?"
He asks and I furrow my brows at him before I nod my head at him.

"Why would you ask me that ?"

"Because you've been a bit distanced from me ever since we got back and it's had me thinking that maby i did something wrong. Did i do anything wrong ?"

"No, of course not love..."
I tell him and he goes quiet.

"Entle you cry alone in the bathroom at night, thinking that I can't hear you."
He states and I look away from him.

"Are you not happy ?"

"I am happy... it's just that I am dealing with something right now."

"Why not tell me ?"

He asks and I keep quiet.

How do I tell him that I am grieving his brother for the second time and this time it feels like I am in constant pain and I can't do anything about it.
I need him. I need him so so much right now but I always wonder about how this would make him feel.