Race to the Top

Chapter 35

-Ginger-
"Oh Ginge, I'm sorry honey."
Nadia had come over immediately even though it was super early and she still had to head into the office today.
My eyes were puffy from crying. I'd emailed Gerald and Liam to say I'd be working remotely for the next week to recharge my batteries. They happily obliged mentioning that the preliminary images they'd seen from the shoot looked great. I felt a little guilty for lying to them but moved passed it quickly. The real guilt came any time I thought of or pictured Jackson.
"It's totally my fault," I say.
"I mean, everyone says angry things when they're mad Ginger, Jackson will understand," she says as she hands me another tissue.
"Huh? No, no I should've never let him in. I let my guard down, I never do that. It was stupid," I say, a little surprised she'd even suggest I admit fault.
"Uh, what?"
"Yeah, when have you ever known me to make such rash decisions about a guy Nadia? I never should've let myself get attached to Jackson Theron."
Nadia strokes my arm.
"Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."
I look at her like she had just slapped me but she nods.
"Yeah, I said what I said. Do you even hear yourself? Look, Ginger, I love you, more than almost anyone. I know how awesome and wonderful and great you are," she says. "I've never heard you excited about a guy before, ever. You've kept yourself heavily guarded for a long, long time, and I totally get why. But think about it, you let him in for a reason didn't you?"
We pause and I pinch my eyebrow as her words soak in.
"Plus, I've seen the way he looks at you and talks about you, even before you all left, that guy has been smitten for a long, long time," she says before taking a sip of her coffee. "I'm not telling you not to take a job across the ocean for him though I might be heartbroken about it, but you can understand why he doesn't want to lose you right? And if you're honest with yourself, I bet you don't want to lose him either."
We pause and a long silence hangs between us.
She's right, I've caught feelings for Jackson, hard. And he had feelings for me all along. He's pretty much told me multiple times on the trip and prior.
And that's exactly why I have to go.
"You're right," I say. Nadia offers me a smile but it isn't a triumphant one, it's a sympathetic one. "And that's one of many reasons why I have to take this job."
Nadia's face falls.
"Nadia, I can't stay here and hope to live happily ever after with Jackson knowing that I might be giving up a HUGE opportunity for my career. I would never forgive myself. Plus, what if we don't work out?" I sigh. "I think I have to move on from Atwood. It's time."
Nadia rubs her temple with her finger.
"Shit, alright, I get it. God dammit Ginger, what are we going to do without you?"

"You can't get rid of me that easily, I'll still be here all the time. Callum said I can be here at least half the time, maybe more. I will keep my apartment and we'll still spend plenty of time together."
Nadia smiles but her eyes are sad. Without saying another word, we hug for a long time.
"I love you girl, you're like a sister to me," she says.
"You too," I reply. "Now get going to work. I have to pack. I'll see you and Simon tonight."
*****
Simon is quiet for a long time.
"I'll still be here all the time Si! Stop giving me that look," I sip my beer.

"What tha hell Gigi? You're just gonna go gallivantin across Europe now?"
"No, they only require gallivanting part-time," I chuckle at my own joke. Nadia and Simon look like they were asked to attend my funeral. "Come on guys, you're going to make this a million times harder on me?"
"Have you told Jay?" Nadia asks.
"I went by his place earlier. He's happy for me but I could tell he was bummed too. Luckily he's got a special lady friend to keep him busy now," I say.
Another heavy pause.
"Well, shit, we love you Ginge, we just want what's best for you," Nadia says as she elbows Simon and holds up her drink. Simon reluctantly does the same. "Here's to being friends no matter how far apart we are."
"Aye," Simon says.
We all clink glasses.
I spend the rest of the night being the most chipper I can possibly be but my heart is sad for so many reasons. Obviously, I haven't fully accepted the position yet, and there's still a lot of details to work out but I feel like I have to do this. I feel like staying here and returning to Atwood means admitting defeat.
Also, I don't want to see Jackson again.
Actually, I want to see Jackson right now, desperately, but I feel like I can't. Like he's a drug I have to quit and even getting a glimpse of his face will send me spiraling into a place I don't want to be again. Leaving Nadia and Simon and Jay is hard enough, thinking about leaving the person I...I what? I don't even know.
Despite how badly I want to drown my sorrows, we only stay at the bar til 11 or so. Simon, Nadia, and I get some late night food and they walk me home before Nadia jumps on Simon's back and makes him drop her off at her place a few blocks away. I laugh as I watch them loudly bantering as a tall, strange looking pair before they disappear down the street.
I fall into my bed 20ish minutes later and look at my phone for the zillionth time. Nothing. I don't know what I'm hoping for. If he texted, it'd just make things harder than they are. I'm sure at some point we'll meet up or talk to get some closure and find a way to move on. There's no doubt that what we had, whatever that was, was great but unsustainable.
This morning feels so far away, everything feels so far away right now. Especially Scotland.