Random Thoughts

heart to heart

The feeling of potential betrayal
creeping up on me.

Slowly

Like a predator hunting for its prey

Putting the pieces together.. even if I don't have anything to go after.
My mind filling in the blank spaces too easily, as if it was nothing.

As if I had done it before

Must have become second nature a long time ago.

Never in a million years would I think so lowly of you to do such thing.
Yet I cannot find other explanation.

I thought nothing could surprise me anymore, that I've seen it...felt it...went through it all.
Yet you surprise me with your actions

or rather..

lack of them.

~~

Everything points to one direction
Still,
I find myself looking the other way.

Either I am a fool for even thinking about you going against us.. or I am one for denying the reality.

Honestly, no way do I feel like there's chance to win.
But who'd want to win anything and still call it love.

I keep tossing and turning.. counting the minutes until you wake up.
Maybe then, I say to myself, then you'll tell me all about it.

Yes! You'll tell me every little detail, brushing away those nasty clouds from above my head.

Above us.

~~

The sun is up, rays of sunshine gleaming on your desk. Maybe a clear sky, smell of flowers in the early morning and sound of birds chirping make you smile.

I cannot tell.
It's dark here, the only source of light being the lively city on the horizon.

And how funny, my heart reflects this landscape, some light shining far away in my deepest parts... Hope.

Flickering.

One grain disappears, another lights up.
Mirroring my thoughts, the scenarios I think of to at least prepare for the possible outcome the next day brings.

~~

I'm tired, my soul is tired.
Tired fighting, not sure how I'd cope if I saw You a week from now... Not sure how I'll act when we finally meet again either.

I'd like to believe it all.
Classmates.
Day off to rest.
Sleepover.
Games, alcohol, weed.

Yet, just as fast come the questions as well.
Since when do you maintain anything close to a decent relationship with your mates?
Why didn't you tell me? Why would you not run to me, brag, show your happiness? Why not share it?
Would it hurt to update? To send a single text, to inform? Or is the potential of my hurt too satisfying to ruin the fun?
That's the only part I don't doubt. But the questions oh... Necessities, right? Was it fun?

Fun enough to forget about your relationship?
Fun enough to not say a word, to let me guess..

The location in a random building. The barely existing communication we have. The pain and agony of loneliness. Our friend's worried texts about your whereabouts, which I have to confess, handed over the feeling to me too. And the note haha.

The best part right.

Even if it truly is a joke, which I'm almost sure it is.
The trust is not the same as yesterday, or a week ago.

And I'm not sure it ever will be.

~~

Some memories keep popping up. Maybe to haunt me, to make sure I don't sleep tonight.

I keep hearing your voice, how you said you wished our relationship was the same as in the beginning. And I don't think I'll forget how it hurt to hear that for the first time. Then the second..

I see why you wish for that, the lust and the unknown of the past must still feel close to you.
Close enough to want to reach for it and make it yours, make it live permanently in us.

~~

I'm not sure if my words, concerns, pleas ever reached you the way I wanted. And I'm not sure I want to try so this time they do.

I'm not sure if I want to put in more energy, more effort in the hopes you would too.

I'm not sure if I want to lean back and wait for you either, since -- my wait elongated, my patience shortened.

~~

Sometimes I wonder if you notice the changes in me.

Wonder whether you realized I stopped telling stories, I stopped showing pictures, stopped messaging first, and with it almost completely stopped our interactions.

Wonder how can I mourn something I haven't even lost, then remember I did lose something.

Your attention.

~~

I'm scared.

Of confronting you.
Of finding out the truth.
Of not finding out the truth.
Of losing your care
your interest, your love.

Yet I'm scared of the thought of receiving those, worrying it would be short lived.

Not sure what to do, say or think right now.
It's been an hour since you woke up and I think of how desperate I am to go against my decision to see when you'd reach out.

I'll never understand how you can go on with your day not needing to reach out, to talk, to share, to ask.
Since that's mostly what I do.
The rest of the time is spent with self control, not too many texts, not too frequently, not too in depth, not too annoying, not too demanding, not too angry.

You may tell me I'm not annoying you, but the actions my love...they speak otherwise.

I tell you to listen to my words, not my tone.
You tell me that's difficult, clearly
..
understandingly I try to change.

I tell myself to listen to your actions, not words.
You tell me you love me, obviously
...
anticipating I build high walls.

2023/08/15