Random Thoughts

Thinking..Remembering..

Sometimes I travel back in time and feel the way I felt in specific events.
Sometimes I feel the loneliness I felt during the Croatian trip.
Sometimes it feels like my mind gets stuck in the past and I'll have to run and search and cry forever and ever.
Sometimes I feel that weird pain I felt two years ago and it all comes back..

It all haunts me.

Nowadays I get stuck often.
I relive memories I don't even want to remember.
Like when I was running on a pond, calling someone I don't want to remember, trying to find out if he was okay.
Like searching for him on the streets, looking everywhere.
The desperation. It hurts to remember.

Why did I let all that happen.

Not all memories are bad though.
I just don't want to remember them.
Like the way I wanted to switch schools and my whole life-plan just to be close to someone I don't want to remember. Just to help someone who does not deserve it.

Or the way his nose twitched when he got mad.

The first time I was at his place.
His mother's smile, the hope she had in me.
The apartment in the city. The smell it had.
The moon shaped necklace I got as a gift.

All these sweet memories are poisoned thanks to everything else.

I couldn't like what I wanted on social media.
I couldn't get new piercings or tattoos.
Couldn't dye my hair. Nor wear showy clothes.
Couldn't look at people for too long.
Couldn't have guy friends.
Couldn't meet his friends.

Don't do this don't do that.

What type of life would've that been...

To think I would've done it. I would've stayed...

I'm crazy.

Most importantly he's crazy for arguing about all this. About...everything I did.

Nothing was good enough.

I wasn't good enough.

That feeling...still haunts me. Feeling like I'm nothing, like I'm always doing everything wrong. Its still killing me...slowly..

I hate it.

I
Hate him.

For everything he did.
Everything he said.
Everything he was.
And everything he wanted me to be.

I'm not someone you can just shape into your preferred way. Your preferred partner.
I'm a living being with my own thoughts, feelings and decisions.
And if anyone has a problem with that, I don't want them in my life.

Five months...may sound like a really short time. These stories..may sound like it wasn't that big of a deal.

But when I tell you, I'm still in million pieces because of that five fucking months. When I tell you remembering even one fucking argument from that time can ruin me for days. That...he feels like my biggest nightmare...
Is this enough proof?

Whenever I see him I freeze. I feel like I'm about to have a million panic attacks. And all my hard work of putting my pieces together..just ends up in nothing. I fall apart again and again and again.

When I hear him talk, I feel my tears building up, getting ready to run down my face that is oh so frozen. I can't blink, can't breathe, can't move. It's just him, in front of me, in my mind, all around me.. laughing at me. I hear his voice, but I can't hear what he's saying. It's just all the arguments, all the screaming, all the hurtful comments.

I'm so saddened about the fact that I deleted the stories I wrote during that time. I want to read them. I want to feel that pain. I want to remember every single detail, so it hurts more.

This and only this shows me that it really happened.

2021/04/03