Dear Author: Loving You In Secret (GxG)

Seen thirty three

Bella Chloe

Ano ba dapat kong gawin? Naiintindihan ko naman yung side niya after niya mag-explain pero may pag-aalinlangan pa rin ako sa kaniya. Trust issues? Maybe. It's hard for me to go back to her right now. What if maulit ulit yung nangyari before? This was the second time she left me because she wanted to run away from her problems. Wala akong kasiguraduhan kung hindi na ba niya talaga uulitin. She's brave right now, yes. What about the next time? What if she leaves again if things don't go her way?

I want assurance.

At the time, I had serious self-worth issues. I constantly ponder the questions "What's wrong with me?" and "What did I do wrong?" Many things I do, I overthink. In particular, how she treated me. She is so confusing that I found myself wondering if I was just there for convenience. We don't have a label, yes. That's what makes things worse. I'm not sure if I have the right to experience those emotions. Do I have the right to question anything she has done to me? What if I'm just assuming everything? That I just added some significance to it, even though it has no meaning for her. My head and heart were in shambles at the time. I sighed deeply. I was at a loss for what to do.

"Lalim naman niyan sis?" Napatingin ako kay Jasmin na kakabalik lang sa cubicle niya. It's our lunch time. Wala akong gana kumain kaya nag-stay na lang ako dito at nagmuni-muni. "Gusto mo bang i-shot natin niyan?"

Napailing ako sa sinabi nito. "Wag na, baka malasing lang ulit ako ng sobra."

"I think you really need a shot right now. Based sa sagot mo mukhang malaki 'yang problema mo."  Taas baba pa ang kilay niya.

"Para-paraan ka na naman. Ginagamit mo pa ko para lang maka-inom." Mabuti pang pagtuunan ko na lang ng pansin 'tong trabaho ko kaysa magpa demonyo kay Jasmine.

"Come on! You need to release that!" Nilapit pa nito ang upuan sa'kin. "Libre ko na oh. And let's go?"

I turned my eyes on her and stared at her for a few seconds before I flatly rejected her. "No. May pasok bukas." Muli kong binalik ang tingin sa monitor ng computer ko. Bahala siya diyan, ayoko na malasing ng sobra.

"Ano ba 'yan! Basta balitaan mo ko kung magbago isip mo ha?" Tinapik niya ng mahina ang balikat ko bago bumalik sa cubicle niya.

I'd rather make myself busy at work kesa uminom. Panandalian na limot lang naman 'yon tapos pagkagising mo sa umaga sasakit pa ng sobra ulo mo. Eh 'di pinahirapan ko lang sarili ko, right? Okay na rin naman ako sa ganitom, kahit papaano nakakalimutan ko siya. These past few days, I was considering going out of town just by myself. Wala lang, just to unwind and to escape from reality just for a little while. Or a roadtrip? Pwede rin naman. I can go for a long drive.

"Bella!" Napa angat ang ulo ko nang tawagin ako ni Miss Maeve. Naka dungaw ang ulo nito sa may pinto. "Come here to my office." After she said that, pumasok na rin agad siya sa loob.

I was startled because she had never called me since that day, until now. I'm not complaining; I'm just used to her bossing me around. After our team dinner, we barely spoke, and I couldn't even thank her when she drove me home. Miss Maeve was so busy that I nearly believed she was avoiding me. Maybe next time I'll just treat her.

I stood up and went to her office. I saw her busy reading her paperwork. I gently knocked on the door to get her attention.

"Bella, sorry I didn't notice you." Tinuro niya ang upuan sa harap ng table niya. "Please take a seat." I quietly sat in front of her. "Okay lang ba kung may ipapagawa ako sayong paperwork?"

"Of course Miss Maeve. Hindi mo need magpaalam, ikaw yung boss dito." Natatawa kong saad.

She gave me a small smile. "Alam ko naman kasi na marami ka rin ginagawa. I don't want to add more to your plate."