A Red Rose - Hyunlix

47

Felix's POV

I couldn't say that I was okay with it. The mere thought that Hyunjin had touched someone else in the past 10 hours and then touched me in the same way made me feel sick to my stomach.

He hadn't said it wouldn't happen again. However, a little white lie would have made me feel much better. It could happen again, and he had specified that. He hadn't lied to me, and I saw the concerned expression painted on his slender features.

But... if he truly loved me, wouldn't he have avoided it?

A thousand questions arose within me. It could happen again, and here I was, hurting over a relationship he was cutting the roots from. It was the alcohol's fault, I kept telling myself, but was it really?

He had clearly expressed that if I wanted to, I could leave, and now I was scared to stay. I was afraid of being hurt by the same person who had put a band-aid on those wounds.

"If he does it again, you leave," I told myself. The sadness of last night's memories pricked at my throat, tying it in a knot that was hard to overcome.

Hyunjin drove silently towards the pastry shop, even though my desire to eat had vanished. We had had sex this morning, and within a short time, I regretted it. Hyunjin seemed to read my thoughts and turned to me.

"Felix, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have allowed it this morning."

"It's fine," I whispered, swallowing back tears.

I clung to the seat, looking out the window, wishing I wasn't here.

I saw him park near a park. I widened my eyes; we weren't even at the pastry shop we were supposed to go to.

"Felix," he said in a harsh tone.

I turned around, frightened, as he scrutinized me with his sharp eyes and an angry expression on his face.

"Are you okay?" he asked seriously.

"Yes, of course. Why are we here?" I definitely wasn't okay. But I still tried to evade that conversation because I didn't feel capable of facing it without crying.

"No, you're not okay. And don't try to distract me," he said firmly.

"Are you... angry?" I asked.

"Felix, I made a fucking mistake, and I swear I feel like shit, but seeing you feel like shit because of me isn't okay," he said firmly.

"And what the hell am I supposed to do? Smile at you and kiss you? No fucking way I'm okay! Do you think if I went and fucked someone else, I would truly love you? Do you think you'd be okay if I had sex with some random person? Or maybe you'd be okay anyway because deep down you only feel sorry for me!" I yelled at him.

He lowered his gaze. I had hurt him, but I was proud of it.

"I love you. It's just that I don't know how to show it," he said.

"Sure. Yeah, right. But when you fucked her, did you love me? Was I at the center of your thoughts even when you heard her screams or moans? Did you think of me by any chance?!" I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Felix," he called me, and I gasped for breath, trying not to cry and not to show myself weak in front of him.

"I wanted to shut my brain off. I would have never done it sober, but...," he said.

"Sure, let's blame it on the alcohol, as if it ran into your mouth without you wanting it!" I said sarcastically.

"Felix, I will never do it again. I've decided, I'll be faithful," he said, although all he did was fuel my anger.

"Do you think I believe you? Until yesterday, you said there was a risk you could do it again! And I don't give a damn about your apologies anymore! We're done!" I yelled. And then the words reached my brain, realizing what I had said.

With the corner of my eye, I saw him paralyzed.

"Really?" he whispered. Tears stung my eyes.

What the hell are you doing? You love him! Do you really want to leave him? Damn it. I had said it. I couldn't take it back.

I opened the car door ready to get out.

"Felix," he said without looking at me.

"I can't forgive myself for the mistake I made, and I don't want to make you suffer like this. If you want to go, I'll let you go. I won't follow you. You deserve someone who makes you feel better."

I turned to look at myself. He had a fixed gaze on the dashboard, empty and emotionless. Did he really want to let me go?

Tears were flowing down my cheeks from the pain I was feeling, an endless abyss beneath me.

"Felix," he finally turned, and his eyes were red, brimming with tears, and at the sight, my heart clenched.

"Tell me how much you hate me. Tell me," I pleaded.

"Enough!" I whispered, trying to appear angry, even though the pain was devastating me.

I got out, and before closing the car door, he said the last words.

"Felix," I stopped when I heard his voice.

"Will you come back to me?" he asked with a broken voice.

"Maybe..." I replied after a moment of hesitation. Will I go back to him?

"I love you, that's why I'm letting you go," he said. I closed the car door and ran away.

I gave tears to the wind that whipped my skin with its warm touch. I cried, like I had never done before. With trembling hands, I turned on my phone and dialed Siria's number. She answered right away.

"Hey, where are you guys?" she paused when she heard me crying.

"Felix, where are you? I'll come pick you up, stay on the line."

I sent her my location, and in 5 minutes, she reached me. I got into the car.

"Felix, I'll take you to my place. When you're ready, talk to me, okay?"

I nodded as she handed me a package of tissues.

I felt shattered, probably it was just a teenage crush, like everyone said.

It will pass, I told myself. It will pass.

He had let me go, but was it the right thing to do?