A Red Rose - Hyunlix

28

Felix's POV

Changbin had already written to me a couple of times, he was nice and affectionate.

Changbin<3

How are you?

How about we go out for a hot chocolate today?

Okay, sure!

But now I was afraid that Hyunjin would find out, why then did he get so angry when he saw me talking to Changbin? Was he jealous? Nah, not at all. Maybe just because I didn't warn him.

And now the problem was...: how was I going to go to the appointment secretly? Hyunjin wouldn't have wanted him, not even dead. I googled the most plausible excuses, too bad the results were a bit poor, so I tried to invent one in which he couldn't have the possibility to say: "I'm coming with you" or "I'll accompany you".

At the hairdresser? No, he would have noticed.

Grocery shopping? No, he would have liked to come.

The only thing left was to go for a walk downtown, hoping he wouldn't answer with "I'll accompany you" and in case I would say I wanted to go alone to think.

-Hyunjin, I'm going for a walk downtown, is it okay?- I asked, crossing my fingers.

-Mmh, okay. How soon will you be back?-

-Depends. I'll let you know if I come back after it starts to get dark.-

-Yes, thank you- he said looking into my eyes. My heart started pounding, what if he found out?Suddenly he turned away, stopped looking at me, okay fine.

-Be careful- he said in a tone I couldn't decipher, somewhere between sad and disinterested.

-See you later- I said, he didn't reciprocate and went out, warning Changbin that I was leaving.

What was wrong with him? That disinterested behavior when he said "Be careful" seemed too unusual to me, I will probably never be able to understand certain behaviors of Hyunjin, he often manages to hide his intentions so well that it is difficult even for me to understand what he really thinks.

I walked towards the center until I reached the bar we had chosen. I went inside, closing the door behind me. It was a chic bar, very nice and full of plants, on the right I saw Changbin sitting at a table and I went towards him, greeting him.

-Hey- he said in a friendly tone.

-Hello, are you okay?-

-Mmh, good and you?-

-Good- a moment later a waiter arrived with a tray, from which he served us two hot chocolates complete with all kinds of pastries.

-Oh, I-I don't eat that much- I said, looking at all the saucers filled with sweets and pastries.

-Taste something, I'll eat the rest- he said confidently. I nodded and began to sip my chocolate, savoring the taste and focusing on that alone, not on the calories and fat that might have settled on my waist, thighs, or anywhere else, making me fat. Heck. I tried to control the flow of thoughts rushing through my mind, making me feel dirty and wrong.I quickly finished the hot chocolate and tasted a little something, just to please Changbin, who in the meantime was busy with a conversation in which I listened only to my mind, nodding absently.

-Felix, are you alright?- He asked me, frowning.

-Mmh, yes. I'm going to the bathroom for a moment- I said smiling and he nodded.

I fell, I fell back into oblivion, the one in which the shadows seemed to devour all logic, my conscience. They made me feel dirty if I didn't follow their orders, plunged into sin and ruled by them like a soulless puppet.

I opened the bathroom door, got down on my knees and put my fingers down my throat, trying to stimulate vomiting. And so all the food ingested went straight into the toilet, causing a burning sensation in my throat but a sense of relief. I looked at my hand, small cuts had formed on the knuckles, usual when rubbing with car incisors induce vomiting, a drop of blood stopped between the cuts and I hurried to rub it away.

I returned from Changbin, I was afflicted by a sense of guilt but at the same time the light-heartedness that I hadn't felt for a long time.

-Are you okay?- he asked me

-Sure, go ahead- I said, and I committed myself to focus on the conversationI returned home after walking with Changbin, after all it was very nice to be with him.

-Where did you go?- Hyunjin asked as he slowly approached me. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and checked the time, answering him

-At a bar...- I said, it was the truth. He took my wrist, scrutinizing my hand.

-Felix, what did you do?- He asked angrily. And now he had found out about me, I didn't answer, burning under his angry gaze.

-Felix, please. Tell me you didn't do it- he said, in a pleading tone, and I did nothing but stare at the floor behind him, more guilty than Judas.

-Felix!-He snapped, in an angry tone. He let go of my wrist and spun around, tangling his hair and huffing.

-S-sorry- I said feebly.

-Why? Where were you?-

-At the bar downtown. S-sorry- I said, his eyes watering. He turned to me and looked at me desperately.

-Why did you do that?-

-I-I didn't make it- I said collapsing to the ground, crouching against the wall and burying my head between my legs, as if somehow I could be safe. I cried, until Hyunjin sat next to me, shaking my hand and resting his head on my shoulder.

-Calm. I'm not judging you- he said, stroking my hand.

We stayed like this for minutes, while I cried overwhelmed by guilt, I was wrong.

I had failed. 

Again.