I can't sleep. They're encouraging us to write so you might be hearing from me a lot. A lot happened today.
Today was my first full day at Four Winds. It wasn't terrible, at least not at first. I promised myself I'd try to make en effort. I'm trying to eat, and trying to say how I feel for real. That last part's not easy, especially when I have another whole life I can't talk about without raising suspicion. I talked to Eleanor after my first therapy session. She started therapy today too—physical therapy for her knee. Apparently it didn't go very well.
I told Will I can't lose another sibling. I really can't. He said he can't either. It hurts so much when I remember them. The ones we lost. Sometimes I wonder if being aromantic has something to do with...nevermind. Will said Mary and Nico are both mad at him. Mary because he left and Nico because of something I think is stupid but I guess it's not something I'd understand. I'm not going to lie, part of me hates Nico for that. How dare they do anything that could hurt him. How dare he.
I'm going to be honest at one point I started looking for something sharp. Couldn't find anything and I forced myself to take deep breaths and then Eleanor called me. I told her I felt bad about wanting to get better when it felt like no one was okay. I still feel like I ruined Livi's life. Eventually Eleanor told me she loved me and I said it back. She asked if I meant it in a friend way or not. She said she didn't mean it in a friend way. I said I didn't know. It scares me so much. I don't want it to be Leilani all over again, realizing I don't love them after all. It's not fair. I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. It's so confusing.The more I think about it the more I was to curl up in a ball and disappear.
I tried to call Dad but I guess he was asleep already. I tried to talk to Apollo but I didn't know what to say so I decided to forget it.
Vie hasn't talked to me at all since I told them I was leaving. They'd said they hoped it would work out the way I wanted it to. I asked if they would visit me and they said they would. So I have that to look forward to. Will said he hasn't talked to them in weeks. He's still mad at them for trying to parent Mary. I wonder if Vie knows that or if they care.
I tried to cry myself to sleep but I couldn't sleep at all. I was trying to be quiet but Abby heard. She got up and came over to me. I thought she was going to tell me to shut up but instead she did something that surprised me. She just hugged me without saying anything. She's this tall skinny girl with choppy hair. She held on for about a minute, then went back to her bed. I was so surprised I didn't say anything. But that's definitely progress isn't it? I'm going to try to talk to her tomorrow.
It's hard to believe I've been here only a little over 24 hours. It feels like at least a week. I can't wait to go home. But I don't want to give up on this yet.
