Summer of Jonnor

If You Only Knew

Taylor and Kyle walked up. "Hey," Kyle said. He looked at Myranda. "What's wrong?"

Jude gestured off in the distance. "Just some rude people making fun of her weight."

"Oh," Kyle said. "She's pretty sensitive about that, used to get it all the time from her family before they disowned her for being gay." His phone rang. "Hello." His face twisted as he listened, he started breathing heavily and his face turned red. He hung up the phone.

"Kyle what's wrong?" Jude asked.

"My step-dad," Kyle said. "I gotta go." He started running, and Jude chased after him.

"Kyle, wait up!" He caught up to Kyle. "Slow down, what's wrong?"

"It's just my step-dad, okay, he's being an ass again." He stopped and sat down on the sand, and Jude sat down next to him. "I'm just hungry 'cuz I haven't eaten all day."

"Why?" Jude asked.

"They don't feed me all the time, and I don't know what I can or can't take out of the kitchen without getting into trouble. So I just go hungry a lot."

Jude sighed. "One of the foster homes I was in was like that. I had to forage on my own all the time. Was pretty sucky. Are they like that with your little brother, too?"

"No, they're perfect with him. They're only like that to me so it's okay, haha."

"That doesn't make it right," Jude said.

Kyle shrugged. "I'm just...used to it...I guess?" He looked down. "I seriously wish you weren't here and I had my blades."

Jude rubbed his arm. "Is your skin wanting it?"

Kyle nodded and lowered his head.

"It's kind of depressing to hear you joke about your parents mistreating you like you're so used to it that it doesn't hurt anymore. But doesn't it?"

"Yeah, well, hurting usually means that I cut myself and then everything goes into labels and you know how that works out for me. So I just try not to be hurt by it anymore. It's cool."

"Anything but cool." Jude put his arm around Kyle. "Nobody should be treated like that. You really should tell somebody."

"It doesn't help," Kyle said, with a little snort of a laugh. "It'll all just come back on me. Believe me, Jude, I've gone over all this shit a dozen times and it always ends the same."

"I just wish I could do something for you, man."

Kyle looked at him. "You are, you're being a friend. I don't have to hide so much from you and you accept me the way that I am, it's about the best thing you could do for me, okay? I should get home."

"You'll be okay?" Jude said. "You're not going to..."

"No," Kyle said. "It's cool. I'm not going to do it."

Jude nodded his head. "You'll message me, if you need to?"

"I will. Don't worry about it."

Jude nodded and texted on his phone. He waited a moment and the reply lit up. "Ian can take you home, he'll meet us in the parking lot."

***

Connor walked along the surf with Jude. "Everything going to be okay with Kyle?"

Jude shrugged. "As okay as things get for Kyle. I just wish he didn't accept what's going on like it's his lot in life or something. Although I can relate, before I came to Stef and Lena's place I was sure I was just going to drift around the foster system until I was an adult and then I'd never have a family."

Connor squeezed his hand. "Must have seemed pretty hopeless. I can remember feeling that way about my dad a lot of the time, how hard he was on me about everything."

"He sure has changed," Jude said. "I wouldn't have thought it was possible. Maybe things will get better for Kyle too."

"Maybe. And if they don't, well, we don't really have power to do anything about it."

"True," Jude said. "Not that the truth doesn't hurt." He walked in silence for a long moment. "Maybe that's part of it, that it really is the truth, and that's why it hurts?"

Connor thought about that. "Yeah, but there are different ways of handling truth. You can accept it and treat it respectfully, or you can either not accept it or be an ass about it. Not that the truth itself can't be painful sometimes, just not as painful as when it gets shoved in your face in some rude way."

Jude nodded. "Anyway, I was thinking...maybe we should do that thing you want to do...I think you called it a 'skate and suck,' or some clever shit like that."

Connor grinned sideways at him. "Tomorrow?"

Jude nodded. He stopped and stood in front of Connor. The sun was setting, huge and orange as it sank below the horizon. He kissed Connor and embraced him.

***

Need help for self-harm, or want to learn more about it?

If you're not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. For information about the topic and help in other countries, see: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm