Summer of Jonnor

All the Things He Said

Jude was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his phone and Connor's shirt in his lap. Callie was sitting beside him, holding his hand. He wasn't crying anymore, just staring into space with a shell-shocked look on his face. "Want me to stay up with you?" she asked.

His eyes still brimming with fear and tears, he looked at her and shook his head.

"Okay. Mariana and I will be right here if you need anything, okay?"

He nodded.

She kissed his hair. "Stay strong my little. Whatever he's going through, knowing you're out here is the only thing he has to hold onto. Okay?"

He nodded again. She got up and turned out the light, walked out the door.

Jude sat woodenly, a paroxysm of colossal thoughts and feelings bursting in his head, as if every second he had ever been with Connor and every thought and feeling that went along with him had been compressed into one continuous moment of time. An endless, ever-aching now. Shaking, he struggled to untangle and unravel the irreconcilable emotions and memories, settling on the one that made the most sense, the day he first met Connor...

***

...Callie had really done it this time, nearly getting herself shot at. Like so many times before, her antics had gotten Jude taken out of his foster home and into a new one, although he didn't really like that place or those people at all and he was actually glad to be out of there. As always though, he had no idea of where he was going next or when. He was at a new school, again, and didn't know where to go, again, and life was uncertain, again...

"Hey, are you new here?" a voice asked him.

Jude looked up, returned the smile he saw. "Is it that obvious?"

The boy offered his hand. "I'm Connor. Connor Stevens." 

"Jude Jacob," Jude said as they shook hands. "And yeah, I'm kinda lost." He showed Connor his schedule paper. 

"Oh cool, we'll have math and science together. And your English class is this way." He pulled on Jude's arm.

When Connor touched his arm, Jude felt something he had never felt before. He'd been so full of anxiety and uncertainty all day, but that moment when Connor made contact with him he abruptly and mysteriously felt at ease. He followed along behind Connor, unaware then that this would be the first of many times they would navigate that uncertainty together...

***

...Jude's recollections jumped ahead to the science project he and Connor worked on together. Of looking around in dreadful misgiving when the teacher asked them to choose partners, so certain he was that nobody was going to pick him and he would be on public display as the weird outcast he always felt like inside.

Then Connor turning to him. Asking him if he wanted to be partners. Connor suggesting that he come over to work on the project. Jude feeling all the fluster and discomfort dissolve into a curiously satisfying happiness. Being unable to stop smiling. Watching Connor the rest of the class, trying to identify what exactly he was feeling inside. He had heard about crushes, but had no idea of what one was like or if that's what this was. It didn't really feel like crushing, though. He just had a glow inside, one that only barely faded as the rest of the day unwound...

***

...Talking to Connor about Maddie. Feeling so confused inside...like he would feel so many times after that, about Connor and what was going on with him. Connor apparently angry with Jude about going out with a girl. Him saying that he wanted to go out with Maddie but never doing anything about it. Blowing the whole thing off at the adoption. What was Connor really getting at? Jude was observant, and he had felt jealousy himself. He was sure that's what he saw in Connor. But what did it mean? It almost seemed like Connor didn't want him ever dating a girl. Jude felt like he was a weird, gangly kid that never fit in. The idea that Connor could be crushing on him was unconceivable. And yet, when Connor smiled at him, more and more it seemed to say something more than mere friendship...