Loss of Feelings | ✓

Chapter 53

Ako'y Sayo Ika'y Akin Lamang - First Circle

Chapter 53

Natulos ako sa aking kinatatayuan. I wanted to drag Jah outside and tell him that we should eat somewhere else. Ilang araw na yata ng huling usap namin ni North. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung hinihintay n'ya pa ang reply ko sa anyaya n'ya na samahan n'ya ako sa pagbisita kay Trina.

"Wen?" Jah asked as he felt my grip on him tightening. Napabitaw naman agad ako.

"Sorry."

Tumango si Jah. "It's alright. Okay ka lang ba? Is there. . .something bothering you?"

My eyes were solely focused on Jahiel. Dumagdag pa ang pagiging sensitive ni Jah at observant n'ya sa inaalala ko. I know that it would only take seconds for him to realize that I was uncomfortable. At dahil doon, aalamin n'ya kung bakit. . .and he might know about my ex being here is still bothering me.

"Nilalamig lang ako," I lied.

Jah looked at my arms. I was wearing a sleeveless dark blue shirt partnered with denim pants. Siya naman ang naka-longsleeves na stripes, colored in violet. Jah's lips moved and he nodded.

"May extra jacket ako sa car, I'll just get it. Kuha ka na muna ng table natin, is that fine?" nagaalalang saad ni Jahiel habang hawak ako sa aking braso. His touch brings warmth to my skin. He was trying to rub some heat by moving his hands on my arms.

Napatango ako.

Totoo naman na nilalamig ako. Hindi nga lang ako sure kung dahil ba sa aircon ng lugar na ito o dahil sa maliit na agwat ng distansya namin kay North Barrinuevo. Damn him!

I was so sure. Si Jahiel ang pinili ko. Kay Jahiel ako mananatili. Pero tang ina kung aasta akong ganito, this would be fucking unfair to Jahiel in all corners. Walang reasonable justification ang pagiging balisa ko sa presensya ni North. Kahit kay Leand ay hindi naman ganito ang nararamdaman ko! Umiinit lang ang ulo ko kay Leand.

Umalis si Jahiel upang kunin ang jacket n'ya. Ako naman ay naghahanap ng idadahilan upang lisanin na rin ang lugar. Why is he here anyway? Baka naman, coincidence lang? This is a small city after all.

Pero Wednesday's. . .napailing agad ako. As if he would venture into this kind of business! Sobrang bored na ba siya? O baka naman sideline lang? Goodness, I definitely want answers! But I also want to run away!

Because that's the right thing to do. I need to avoid North because I didn't want Jahiel to feel inferior or anything at all. Natatakot lang ako na baka kapag nagkita sila, it would somehow change the course of events in my life.

I'm content with Jahiel.

Kaya bakit ba ako ginugulo ng what ifs ni North? Matagal na kaming may tuldok e.

"Ma'am, a table for?" Lumapit na sa akin 'yong waitress. Kanina pa yata ako gustong i-entertain pero nalilito rin sa inaakto ko.

"T-two," I stammered. Fuck. "Two. Please."

Mabilis na tumango 'yong waitress. Hinagilap n'ya kung may table pa ba na available. When she spotted one, she tilted her head and pointed towards the direction of the table. I went there with a heavy heart, pumipintig ang puso ko dahil sa pinaghalong kaba at galit. It was anger for myself because a part of me knows this isn't it. Anong pinagkaiba ko sa takot ko noon kung tuliro ako kapag nand'yan si North?

Hindi na ito closure lang e. Sinagot na ni North ang mga tanong ko. Wala na dapat kaming ugnayan at ang totoo ay kaya ko naman bisitahin si Trina nang mag-isa.

Napaupo na lang ako habang hinihintay si Jah. I clenched my fists under the table. Goddamn it, I just want it to end. Gusto ko na lang maging tahimik ang buhay ko. The calm and peaceful life that I badly wanted is offered to me by Jah's presence. Kaya bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon?