Loss of Feelings | ✓

Chapter 49

Chapter 49

Nasa biyahe kami ni Jahiel nang sinubukan kong kausapin siya tungkol sa pagpunta sa birthday ni Tim. It's already near, sa susunod na linggo na yata 'yon sa pagkakatanda ko. Tinanong ko rin siya kanina sa text at tama naman ang pagkakatanda ko sa birthday n'ya.

"Jah. . .p'wede ba ako pumunta sa birthday?" paalam ko sa kan'ya.

He was steering the wheel when I said the words straightaway. Nasa gitna kami ng biyahe ngayon, parehong pauwi. He volunteered to take me home. Nangunot ang noo n'ya sa akin ngunit ang mga mata ay nanatiling nasa daan.

"Ha? Bakit ka nagpapaalam sa akin? S'yempre naman, Wen."

I gulped the huge bile on my throat. Well, of course. Pero hindi ito birthday lang naman. And I refused to go if Jah doesn't know about it.

"Birthday ng kapatid ng. . .ex ko kasi 'yon," I said without trying to sound excited because I'm not. Pero ayoko na rin naman na paikot-ikot ang iniisip ko tungkol dito, gusto ko na lang itong tuldukan. Ito lang ang paraan na alam ko kung paano ito matatapos.

I can't hide or run forever from it. It would only haunt me for as long as I live. I need to say it now.

"Oh," Jahiel muttered then gradually nodded. "Oo naman. I can. . .help you look for a gift. Kaya ko rin ihatid ka kung sakali. Kailan ba birthday n'ya?"

"Baka next week," sagot ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa kan'ya. "P'wede mo ako hindi payagan, Jah."

A part of me wants him to say no. I want him to stop me from going because I should be content already. . .right?

"Hindi pa naman kita girlfriend, Wen. At kahit girlfriend na kita o asawa pa, I have no right to tell you what to do. Hindi rin naman masama 'yang gagawin mo. . ."

I sighed. "Saglit lang din ako roon. I promise. P'wede mo ako samahan kung gusto mo. . ."

He smiled for a bit. "Please don't. Enjoy yourself while you're there. Hindi mo kailangan mag-adjust para sa akin, Wen. And it's not also proper if I'll come there if I'm not even invited."

"Edi plus one kita. I'm sure Tim won't mind."

Jah gently shook his head. "Okay lang talaga, Wen. I trust you. So much. There's no reason for me to come with you. Unless you're uncomfortable with coming there alone. P'wede pa siguro. . ."

"Jah. . ."

"E? Okay nga lang." He chuckled then playfully tilted his head towards my direction. "At saka? Sinong ex ba 'yan? Moreno ba? Bakit ako matatakot? Sus."

"Oo, moreno."

Ilang beses kumurap si Jah saka lumingon sa akin. "M-moreno?"

Tumango naman ako. Bahagya siyang namutla na parang papel.

"Ah," he chuckled, almost sounding nervous. "Don't worry, uuwi na po ako. Kaya ko umuwi mag-isa, Wen."

I laughed at him but I took his hand and gently squeezed it. I wanted him to know that after this, I won't let North invade my mind ever again. Gusto ko na lang talaga matapos ito dahil gusto ko na sagutin si Jah. I want him to feel secure and I want myself to stop thinking of the what-ifs because I wasn't able to close a chapter between North and I.

Hindi ko inakalang mabilis ang panahon lalo na kapag malapit na ang paghatol mo sa sarili mo. Tim's birthday was celebrated in a nearby resto. It was a forest inspired resto, may fairy lights na gamit bilang ilaw at nakapalibot ito sa mga kahoy na nagsisilbing pundasyon. I heard the scratching of the chair against the floor as I pulled a chair to sit in.