Loss of Feelings | ✓

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Bumalik kami sa lamesa ni Kile. A big grin was playing on his lips as we both sat. Nilalamutak ang onion rings na nasa plato ngayon.

"Ano'ng pinagusapan n'yo?" tanong ni Naiara na hindi mapakali.

"Wala naman," sagot ko agad. "Nagtanong lang si Kile. . ."

"Kung?" North followed up. "Ano ang tinanong n'ya?"

"S-secret," nauutal kong saad. "Sa amin na 'yon."

Nanatiling nakatingin lang sa akin si North. I gulped down the soft drink in my cup.

Ngumuso si North at nilaro muli ang natirang pagkain sa plato n'ya.

I didn't want to believe it. I refused to believe the possibility that North feels exactly just the time. Sure, kaya ko maging ilusyunada at sabihin na baka nga pareho kami ng nararamdaman sa isa't isa. But, I never really saw myself in a relationship with him. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na posibleng may mamagitan sa amin bukod sa simpling landian lang.

It was wrong to hear this from myself but I was already happy even without a label.

Alam ko naman na masakit kapag walang label, kasi wala kang karapatan. Pero mas masakit yata kapag may karapatan ka na masaktan, the pain feels veritable. One glimpse of the person knowing that they love you but can still manage to hurt you feels shitty—almost like an oxymoron.

"Ano ang balak mo? You really want a label?" tanong sa akin ni Tuesday habang nagtutupi kami ng mga damit.

Puno ng damit ang kama namin ngayon, naka-upo siya sa kan'yang kama habang nasa lapag naman ako. This was our duty when we didn't have classes. Si Mon naman ay nagc-computer pa rin, hindi siya masyadong inaasahan sa bahay dahil 'lalaki' naman daw. 'Yon talaga ang pinaka-ayaw ko kay Papa, his blatant favoritism. Mabuti pa si Mama kahit papaano ay tinatago ito.

"Hindi." I shook my head. "Masaya naman na ako sa ganito. Paano rin kung hindi pa talaga siya nakaka-move on?"

"Taon naman na. . ."

"Not everything can be healed by time," saad ko habang tinatanggal ang ilang sinulid na pilit humihiwalay sa damit ng mga kapatid ko. I grab the scissors and cut them off.

"Why do you need to have a timeline for healing?" tanong ni Tuesday. "Gets ko naman e, hindi naman talaga madaling mag-move on. Pero ate, hindi naman kasi lahat tayo pare-pareho ang pinagdaanan. Maybe some of us are already immune while the others can still act like it was the very first time that they got hurt."

I pressed my lips in a thin line. That was true, wala naman talagang timeline e. It is just the world moves on so fast and sometimes I feel like I'm still staggering in order to keep up. I don't have the privilege to dwell on these feelings. Kapag nalungkot ako nang matagal, bukod sa hindi na ito normal—pakiramdam ko napag-iiwanan na ako ng mundo. The world is for the courageous survivors but sometimes I really just want to not be a survivor myself.

Pinilig ko ang ulo ko. Bakit ako napunta roon? I just want North to heal even if it means going back to Barbara. Matagal kong tinitigan ang sinulid na kumakawala sa damit na hawak ko.

"I wonder why it's easier to cut it off than to fix it. . ." bulong ko habang hawak ang sinulid. I twirled it around my finger and pulled it.

"Masisira 'yong damit, 'te." saad ni Tuesday sa akin nang makita ang ginawa ko. "Gupitin mo na lang."

After the talk that we had, I began to muster the strength to ignore North and keep our distance. It was hard considering that we were on the same team. Minsan ay hindi na ako sumasama on site para lang di kami magkita. Maybe if I don't see him often, the feelings would gradually die down.