Loss of Feelings | ✓

Chapter 51

Chapter 51

I managed to tamp down every emotion I had that day. Ngumiti lang sa akin si North habang prinoproseso pa siguro ang mga sinabi ko.

I have Jah now.

And I guess, all I ever wanted was answers to the unrelenting questions I had for North. Ngayon na alam ko na ang sagot sa mga ito, pakiramdan ko ay lalo lang akong nakumbinsi na mas okay na ganito na lang kami.

He wasn't okay when we were together, he was unstable during our relationship. At kahit gaano n'ya ako kamahal, hindi naging sapat 'yon para matabunan ang problema at lungkot n'ya. Even his friends were not enough for him. It was his family that pushed him away from his own happiness. I'm just glad he decided that despite the pain. . .life is worth living. Warmth filled my chest as I realized that North is still here.

It made me feel guilty that he would think I would view his reason as shallow. It wasn't for me. Alam ko naman na kung ako 'yon, baka humingi rin ako ng space mula sa kan'ya. Nagkataon lang siguro na sa maling oras at maling panahon n'ya sinabi ang mga salitang 'yon.

"Why did you. . .let me go then? Kung mahal mo pa pala ako n'on, bakit hinayaan mo na lang akong mawala sa 'yo?" I asked him further. Nasa kotse pa rin kami ngayon. Nilalanghap na ng mga balat namin ang lamig mula sa aircon ng sasakyan.

"I felt like I could never offer you the assurance that you wanted. Pakiramdam ko n'on, hindi ko magawang gawing normal ang relasyon natin. We had to hide. You had to receive threats and backlash. You had to endure my mother. And. . .I couldn't do anything about it. I was young back then, my only goal was to provide for my family. But when you came—all I ever wanted was to make sure you were happy. Pero paano ka magiging masaya kung palagi na lang kitang nasasaktan? I couldn't comfort you anymore, Miye. It was my fault that you were suffering but I couldn't do anything to take it away."

"Hindi ikaw ang rason kung bakit ako nasasaktan no'n, North. You were the only good thing. . .that time," I sobbed as I listen to his explanation and realized that from the start he had already told me the reason why we had to break up.

We were both not stable during that time. Pareho kaming may ginagamot na sugat sa sarili namin. If only I listened to him more. Maybe I'd understand that even if he didn't want to give us up—it was the only way to save the remaining strength he had at that time.

"Sorry for hurting you, Miye. I wasn't able to tell you about what Barbara did, pero hindi kami nagkita sa likod mo. It was a chance encounter. Hindi ko rin siya kinausap no'ng araw na 'yon dahil alam ko naman na wala kaming dapat pag-usapan."

I nodded at him. "I'm sorry too. Akala ko kasi mas nauna pa nalaman ni Barbara ang tungkol sa papa mo dahil sinabi mo sa kan'ya."

Bahagyang umiling si North at sinandal ang ulo sa headrest ng driver's seat."No. Wala akong pinagsabihan. Kailan lang din nalaman nila Naiara ang tungkol sa papa ko. Si Aki pa nga ang nagsabi sa kanila tungkol kay Trina. I told them not to tell you. . .isa rin 'yon sa dapat kong ipagpaumanhin."

We were running in circles. It was an endless loop of apologies but none of those took away the pain that we inflicted towards each other. Naiintindihan ko na siya ngayon. Was it his fault for not opening up? When he was so afraid of being not understood? No. It isn't entirely his fault. Nahihirapan lang din siya n'on kaya naman bumitaw siya sa aming dalawa.

I had a hard time figuring people out because I wasn't entirely listening to them. I did care but my care for them had limits. Hindi kasalanan ni North at Tuesday kung bakit hindi nila masabi ang problema nila sa akin. They tried. . .but my ears were too focused on my own problems. I wasn't able to lend them my support.