His secret

Chapter 56

My beautiful, beautiful, Sunshine. How I've missed you. 

If you're reading this then that probably means that you've learned the truth, finally. You may think "why didn't you tell anyone Miles?" I can almost hear your concerned voice asking me your confused question. No one asked. That's my simple answer. No one asked for so many years that it just became a silent part of me, a part of me that I thought would be better hidden from the outside world. But then you asked me. You cared and you wanted to know more and I was just not used to it, not ready for it. What if she judges me? What if she doesn't believe me? Could anybody believe that a boy could be raped? It wasn't something usual, not talked about enough.

But most importantly would you believe that my own mother had raped me? I was afraid. Afraid that I would lay myself bare for you and that you then would react in a bad way, making me back away from you or worst, you back away from the broken piece you would have recognized me for. I was just not ready for that. 

I had ripped out some notebook pages that I guess you have read by now. I ripped them out the day that you moved in with me, not wanting to take the chance of you finding it and reading about the darkest part of my life. The mere thought of it had terrified me. I ripped them out and hid them, then hoped that the day when I worked up enough courage to let you in on everything would come, the day when I would give you the ripped pages, the missing pieces of the puzzle you've tried to solve that is me. 

Then the day came, when I had thought that nothing could be any more complicated I got a call during the most wonderful day of my life, our wedding day. He called me, telling me that he had killed Camilla. He had refused to call her mother, and I don't blame him, he had never seen the motherly side of her after all. And I didn't understand who he was, not until he called me dad and I felt like my whole world collapsed at the sound of the word. 

I had always imagined her dead but never had I known how I would feel when I got the news of my own mother's death. And I still find hardship in putting my feelings that day into words. All I know is that I was in despair when I came back home to you that day. Exhaustion from trying to help my own son and brother hide the dead body of our own mother that he had killed took over my whole body. I had helped him out of the crime scene and out of the circle of suspects because I understood him, I had also wanted to deprive her of life many times but I never had enough courage for it. But it also made me freak the fuck out. Having the thought of killing somebody isn't the same thing as actually doing it. Killing somebody takes a whole big dark part of yourself to be unleashed, not only shooting off your feelings but replacing them with dark psychotic ones. Worrying about my own safety was my least concern, I was worried about you. About what I would mean for you, your safety, and our possible future children to let Liam into our lives. 

While I was worried, I just couldn't abandon him, not after finding out that he went through the same thing I went through with her. Guilt flickered in my heart because I couldn't be there for him earlier, although I didn't know he existed. If I had known that my mother raping me ended up in a pregnancy before I ran away I would have stayed, at least until he was born, and then I would have taken him with me, and saved him. I felt the need to reach my hand out to him, the same hand Alexis and his family had reached out to me when I left the hell I was living in. Keeping you safe was a determination of mine, at the same time as I wanted to get to know Liam and help him, so I simply had to leave you, although it killed me. Every day without you is like a day without nutrition, without my daily dose of vitamin D, I was like a plant deprived of the sun, slowly withering. But putting you in any possible danger wasn't an option so I left and promised myself to find you when I had solved my matters with Liam and made sure that he doesn't pose any threat to your safety. 

You remind me of a Lotus flower, or rather the Lotus flower reminds me of you. It symbolizes different things in different cultures, amongst them purity. You're as pure as a Lotus flower that grows out from the mud without any stain on it, just like you do. I just can't be the reason for that purity being destroyed by the dark parts of my life. I've been keeping myself surrounded with Lotus flowers to remind myself why I left you every time I get the urge to call. 

P.S. Now you may know why I asked Alexis to use Lotus flowers for our wedding. It became my favorite flower when I discovered the remainder of you in them. 

Miles