His secret

Chapter 1

Everything is going to be fine, I try to tell myself while cleaning his bloody nose. It hurts him, I know that. Every time his skin makes contact with the wet cotton pad that I'm trying to clean his injuries with, the pain in his ocean-like eyes becomes visual for me. But for him, showing your pain and suffering is a sign of weakness. That's why he is trying to seem relaxed, but he can't fool me because I know him too well.

"You didn't have to hit him, you know," I say to break the uncomfortable silence. "He didn't have to invite you out just to let you freeze your ass off in the cold night and not show up." He responds. "Stop it. You know it's not the first nor the last time something like this happens to me." I give him a calming look to let him know that I'm alright before finishing. "If you keep on like this then I will never find the potential partner that could take me to Ubud Hanging Gardens Hotel in Bali," 

"You always talk about that place. If you're so desperate to go there why are you waiting for someone to take you? Why not just go yourself?" 

"Because it's too expensive, I can't afford it, especially not with you having me kicked out of my recent job,"

"Golddigger," I press firmly on the wound on his lip, making him squirm. "I was about to offer to take you there, but I just think I changed my mind," he teases. "Mmm," I frown.  "You know, I didn't call you to have you find and beat the ass out of him." I change back to our former subject. 

"No, how could I forget that you have made me your private driver" I try to make an angry expression at him to let him know that it's not okay, but he gives me a mischievous smile and we both burst into laughter. I can't help but look at him and smile at the thought of how we always manage to laugh our problems away when we are together. But at some point, we always have to return to the bitter reality.

"I tried to drive yesterday," I tell him with a sad gaze as my smile fades. His smile disappears as he lifts his head to meet my eyes. "How did it go?" He asks uncertainly. "If chickening out as soon as you seat your ass in the driver's seat is considered doing good, then I might say that I did a really good job," I say with a sarcastic voice and add a giggle in the end in order to not make this conversation to depressing.

"That's perfect for me anyway. I adore that you have to depend on me and call every time you want to go somewhere. I just feel so powerful you know." I can see his perfect white teeth as a smile appears on his face again. "Have you ever thought about what an ass you are?" I ask him while giggling. He has always been like this. The one person that could make me feel better in the most difficult situations of my life. The eleven years that I have known him are simply the best years of my life. I can't begin to imagine what my life looked like before him.

"Do you want to give it a try with me right now?" His question was so simple yet I couldn't answer. It felt like a question that would come up in a physics exam that I haven't studied for. I don't know for how long I've been staring at him in silence, but it seems to be long enough for him to realize how uncomfortable his question made me. "It's been five years Nova. You have to move on at some point and stop blaming yourself for what happened." I feel the tears burning in my eyes before streaming down my red cheeks as I get flashbacks of the last time I drove a car.
"I hate that you still blame yourself, Nova. It's not fair. How could it possibly be your fault that the brakes were out of function?" Miles tells me as he embraces me.

"I was the one driving, I was the one that speeded as a joke. I was the one being immature and how did that end? Where is my older brother now? Yeah, he is laying several meters under the ground, surrounded by insects with a gravestone above him." Crying, I dig my face deeper into Miles's strong chest. It's getting hard to breathe. He lifts my head so that I face him "I'll need you to breathe for me, Sunshine. Take a deep breath and relax. I promise everything is going to be alright. Your safe with me" he tells me before laying my head back on his chest.

I can't put a finger on how long I've been crying but I know that I managed to fall asleep in his arms in the middle of town in the chilly weather. And as the gentleman he is he has carried me to his car and driven off to the place that has always made me feel safe. The view in front of me is magical. A river surrounded by plants in many different shades of green hides peaceful animals in them. Sometimes I come around here just to watch and admire some animals' peaceful routines. As a kid, I wished to be an animal because unlike us they have a simple life without any drama. But at this hour there is no trace of any animal. Probably because it is very late and all of them went to sleep.

I reach into the pocket of my black jacket searching for my phone, curious about what time it is. But instead, I find something else. It's a small piece of paper with Miles's handwriting on it. He must have slipped it into my pocket while I was asleep. Looking at him as he sleeps peacefully I wonder how a twenty-nine-year-old man could manage to look like a peaceful five-year-old boy sleeping. Before reading his letter I stroked a blond hair strand from his face.

You tell me that you're hurt. But there is no need for words. Through your shimmering hazel eyes, I can see the pain. I know that you have lost your way.  But I just wanna see you smile, see you smile again. Everything will be alright. And by your side, you will always find me.

I can't help but smile at his comforting words. A small letter, with five sentences and fifty-six words on a piece of paper written by him, could mean so much to me and oddly help me feel better. It's not the first letter I have gotten from him. I got my first letter from him a week after my brother's death. And I have kept it to this day, five years letter. Not that I need it, I have memorized every single word of it in my head.

I know this is one of the hardest times of your life, but you will get through it. It may seem impossible to you right now, but you'll just have to say it's on again and move forward. I promise that whenever you're ready for that step, my hand will be there to hold yours and walk you out of the darkness. The moonlight may seem beautiful but don't let it fool you and take over the great light of the sun and make your life dark. If your life gets dark then that includes mine too, because you are the shining star of my life, Nova.
Your dear best friend,
Miles

I had that letter on me all the time during a whole year to be able to calm myself whenever I would have a panic attack and Miles wasn't around to help calm me down. Not that he was absent that often, he's always been by my side whenever I needed him. It only took one call for him to be right over at my house by my side. But sometimes he could just disappear for hours. Not that I blame him for wanting some alone time. I just don't know what he's up to when he disappears. He claims that he's working, but I don't know what kind of work that is. I also don't know much about his family. The only thing I know is that he is an only child. His relationship with his father has never been that strong, and I've never heard anything about his mother. 

It may sound like I am uninterested in my best friend's life, but that is not the case. I have tried to get things out of him. But at every failed attempt I see some kind of pain in his eyes, so the most reasonable thing for me to do was to stop bringing that stuff up. The outside of him is a muscular and tall figure but the inside is a hurt child that has lived through something that has left stains. It really hurts me, not being able to be there for him in the same way he is for me. But I also don't want to pressure him. All I can do is wait for him to open up by himself.

"Nova, why aren't you sleeping? It still isn't morning yet." his voice proves that he has been sleeping for a while. It's darker than usual and very hoarse. I love his voice when it sounds like that though, so I'm not complaining. 

"It's your fault" I cry. "You snort too much and so loud that I almost put my socks in your nose to shut you up" in a fast and unexpected move he pulls me by the arm dragging me to him, leaving a small space between our faces. "My little Nova, I am well aware and very sure that I do not snort, as sure as I am about my ability to make you scream so loud that you would wake all the poor animals, so it's best if you take your words into account. " My face heats up and I can feel myself blushing. By the look on his face, I can tell that he noticed it too, and he is enjoying it. 

"I didn't know my words had that effect on you, Sunshine. " He is right, his words have a big effect on me although we are just friends and we have never been anything more. But he is just like that, a real girl-pleaser and it's impossible not to react to his words which makes it easier for me to ignore my blushing at his words.