His secret

Chapter 29

"I'm going down, is there any more boxes beside these three that you'd like me to take with me?" Alexis asked me while standing at the door with three boxes balanced in his arms. "No I think that's it for now, I'll have my other things moved later their not that important," I tell him as I pack the last of my things in my backpack. "Okay, then I'm gonna get these down and wait for you in the car and please try to hurry up a bit because I hate waiting and you know that," he talks with his back facing me as he struggles with trying to open the door while holding three boxes but he manages to open it at some point.

It took me about five minutes to finish after Alexis left. I hang the bag on my shoulders and take a final look at the bed that Miles and I shared once, a little longer than two months ago. A bunch of memories flashes through in my head almost like a camera roll, memories of us, Miles and I, all over the apartment. Memories of our movie nights, of our late night talks when he really wanted to fall asleep but I just wouldn't let him because I had a late coffee and couldn't fall asleep myself so he stayed half awake with me, and even memories of my failed attempts of cooking and the two of us burst out in laughter after tasting the horrible food.

All of the flashbacks have one thing in common, they contain happiness and laughter because that was what most of our relationship was, happiness, agreement, and a bunch of laughter. We argued sometimes, but it was really unnecessary things we argued about. How did we go so wrong in the end?

I take a walk around the whole apartment and let the memories go on in my mind because this was the end, it was the last time I would allow them to take up my time. I had decided that when I left this apartment I would leave this for good because that was what he wanted after all wasn't it? My tour of the apartment soon finishes and I find myself outside the door, ready to lock it. It takes a few heavy breaths and then the door is closed and I start striding down the stairs instead of taking the elevator because I want to keep myself busy with walking rather than overthinking this.

I had said yes to moving with Alexis the same day he had propositioned it. I texted him a few hours after he had left and he was more than happy to hear it. I had done that because it felt right, and it still feels right but I can't help but hesitate. What this move might come to mean to me and how it will change my life is something I still don't know, I'll have to find out. And I hadn't even told my parents about the move yet, I just didn't feel like it, it can wait till I'm already there and they can't talk me out of it, not that I think my mother would care that much but she would still complain just to make me feel bad about it.

"Finally," Alexis says as he throughs his arms up in the air while leaning on his black Tesla. "It didn't take that long," I tell him. "Oh kid, trust me I would have fallen asleep if I had waited in the car which is why I chose to wait outside the car, that's how long it took you,"

"Well, great choice then," I wink at him. "So you're all packed up? Can we leave?"

"Yup, all done," I tell him before walking to the car but he is ahead of me and manages to open my door for me, "ladies first," he tells me as he gestures to me to get into the car. "Thank you," I make a humorous curtsy as I get in the car. Now that I fasten my seat belt it's really starting to feel real, I'm really moving and leaving so many things behind me. As the thoughts hit me my heart starts beating fast and breathing becomes way too hard. I lift my hand and place it on my chest and realize that even my hands are shaking, I'm having a panic attack.

Count you're fingers, I remember Miles's voice clear in my head as he help me out of my panic attack the first time. 12334... and I continue counting until I feel my heart and breathing slowing down. It helpt. "You're afraid you forgot one of your fingers upstairs?" Alexis laughs in the driver's seat beside me, making me stumble out of my thoughts. I just laugh in response. "You really sure about this, Nova? You would still change your mind you know. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to leave your family here," my family, Sirius. "Omg, Alexis. Thank you, thank you thank you. I almost forgot," I tell him in a rush as I unbuckle my seatbelt, get out of the car and run up to my penthouse again.

As head straight to the bedroom because I know what I almost forgot is there, the plant. I walk over to the nightstand on my side of the bed where I placed the plant I had retrieved from Sirius's grave, "Sorry, I almost forgot you brother," I reach out to pick the plant up, and as I lift it up I notice a pink notebook dropped behind the nightstand. I usually never keep notebooks on my nightstand so I wonder how it got there. Picking it up makes it clear to me that it isn't my notebook, but Mile's because it has his name on it written in his handwriting which I'm familiar with because of his letters to me.

I've never seen this notebook before, nor have I seen Miles write in a notebook ever. Is it a diary? Is it even okay for me to read it? Oh fuck it, my curiosity takes over, and Miles isnät even here so how could a sneak peek hurt? I open up the first page and read the few lines on it.

Dear notebook,

that sounds ridiculous but I chose to call it that because I refuse to use the word diary, It sounds childish. I'm only writing because my therapist suggested I write the things that I couldn't tell her, in that way I will at least have taken out my thoughts somehow. So here I am, writing in my notebook because I am trying to be better.

I close the page in disbelief and shook. Miles had a therapist, and he has a diary, no notebook as he calls it that he's been writing ever since God knows when. It may be the wrong way but I am eager to finally find things out about Miles through this notebook. I take the plant in one hand and the notebook in the other as I leave the penthouse for good, with a little bit of hope because now that I can discover his secrets maybe I can fix things again.