His secret

Chapter 8

NOVA

The clock is already 10 am and I just woke up. I spent half of the night crying in Miles's arms while he hugged me tightly. When I leave the room just to find him sleeping on the couch I realize that he left me after putting me to sleep in his own bed and went to sleep on the hard couch. 

After he told me that he wouldn't leave me I thought that I would wake up next to him, but I guess he meant it in another way, like he wouldn't leave me in general and not specifically last night. I kind of feel disappointed but it's more than right of him to sleep somewhere else because we are after all just friends.

There was a time when I was younger were I had a crush on Miles. In the beginning, I held it to myself because I didn't think that he would be able to like someone like me because I was a bit younger after all. I thought that maybe he sees me as some immature child and I didn't want to risk our friendship. But after a while, it became too hard to just watch him from a distance without being able to touch him, feel him, feel his lips, so I tried to tell him but he thought that I was joking so he laughed at me and out of embarrassment I started laughing whit him. 

Later on, I just started pushing my feelings away by telling myself that it wasn't real but it was some kind of hero complex, that I felt like I had feelings for him just because he saved me. I even dated some boys from school but I never really liked any of them and when I started feeling that the relationship was going somewhere it would always end because they wanted to move on to the next step and I never felt ready.

I've always thought about intimacy as a way of showing the one you want to spend your life with how much you love them like it is a whole other level of expressing your love towards your partner. Seeing almost everyone around me having sex at parties with people they barely know, or with someone they've been together with for like a week, I just felt that sex had lost its real meaning for many people and I didn't want to be one of them. So I made a promise to myself to keep my virginity until I've met the love of my life and that person would be the man that I will marry someday so I might as well wait until we get married.

When I look at Miles as he sleeps peacefully with his blond hair on his face, I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to wake up next to him. Could he be the reason why I've never been able to like a guy? But I don't have feelings for him, or at least I don't think that I do. I think he has a role in the problem in another way, he makes me feel safe and I'm expecting that from any other person I met. He has simply raised my expectations for men, causing me to feel dissatisfied with them. A while ago I came across an article saying that some girls look for their fathers, someone that made them feel safe, and here I am looking for my best friend in other men.

"Do you always stare at me like that when I sleep?" I jump in my place, getting off my thoughts as he surprises me with his hoarse voice. "Sorry, Sunshine, didn't mean to scare you," he says as he laughs. I just roll my eyes at him and head to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. "good morning to you too, Sunshine," he says with a loud voice so that I can hear him from the kitchen. I laugh, "Do you want some coffee too?"

"Yes please, that would be nice. I need the energy, we have a long day ahead of us."

"What do you mean?" Before answering he gets up from the couch and walks to the kitchen with excitement all over his face "You'll see."

"I really love surprises and you know that but I hate to know about a surprise without knowing what it is, so you have no choice but to tell me now," I tell him while pointing the spoon to his face as if I'm threatening him with a knife. "Patience is the key, Sunshine, patience. Now I'm gonna take a shower so I guess it is your turn to make us breakfast." leaving a sudden kiss on my cheek he leaves the kitchen and heads towards the bathroom. 

I drop the spoon to the floor, still shocked by his kiss. It was so sudden, so new. My whole body heats up as I pick up the spoon to make the coffee. A big smile is pasted on my face as I make us American pancakes with syrup and strawberries.