ruined, but is it?

lost in confusion

To his side, rain was hugging a pillow to his body to be eyeing the black television with a face, he then moved his head back a bit to look over the clock to sign, he then looked back to Shake his head. It was 3 in the morning.
Rain then went to his back to continue to crush the pillow to his body to then look over the ceiling in confusion and destress.
Why did that happen! Why did I allow it! Why didn't I fight and hard against it! Why don't I go right now to payu and shoot him in the fucking head for what he has done to me! God! I'm not gay! But.....
Rain squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
Uh huh! No but! I'm not gay! Not into guys! Why did he have to have sex with me two months ago! Why did he have to touch me a few hours ago! I really can't trust him!
Rain then got up to toss the pillow to the couch to then go to his bedroom to stomp just a bit to the edge of the bed to then part his lips.
Payu was sound asleep, with his hair down, no shirt, having sweatpants on, to be over the bedding, to be too the edge of the bed to have his arm over it to be taking in deep breathes.
Rain signed to then go slowly to his knees to look over him.
Why do you have to be gay? The first human I met after 6 years and you have to be.....ugh! What am I going to do! This is just going to keep happening isn't it? Payu keeps promising it won't and I'm not his type yet here we are!
Rain whimpered to then look down he then moved from his knees to sit criss cross to eye his floor with a face.
I've been alone for 6 years....... No one to be with, no one to talk to and then this type of person I have to meet.
Rain took in a deep breathe to then slowly look up to eye over payu who kept sleeping soundly.
Why did you have to take my virginity? Why did you have to touch me? Why did you have to be there when I was attacked? What am I suppose to do? Kill you? Throw you out? Then I'm going to be alone again.
Rain gulped to look down to dart his eyes.
What is worse? Being alone, or being with a gay who breaks his promises?
Rain signed to then slowly get up to then turn to leave.
He quietly closed the door to eye the nob to then turn to go to the couch to sit to the edge to wrap his arms about himself..
What am I going to do? I don't want him to touch me again. I really am not that way, but when you have two people living together, we are only human, we both have needs......
Rain. Whimpered to then lay down to look back to the ceiling to place a hand to his forehead to dart his eyes.
What really am I suppose to do now? Should I always carry a gun? Maybe I should just cut it off!
Rain shook his head to then go to lay to his side.
What am I doing to do?
Moving about, payu went to his back to streach to then slowly get up, he then turned his head to look to the clock that read 9am, to then turn his head the other way to look to the back of the door with a face.
Taking in a deep inhale, payu got up to leave, to then stop to turn his head to eye over the couch, rain peered his eyes tiredly down to sign. He then got slowly up to walk to payu to stand before him.
Payu darted his eyes down but really to know what was going to happen .
"Your a prick!"
Rain then slapped payu and hard to then go about him to take the bed to close and lock the door, payu turned to eye to then move a hand up to then rub his face, knowing he deserved that.
Rain then flopped to the bed to his stomach to take in very long deep breathes to then finally fall asleep. Not knowing it was because he felt payus heat still to the bedding.
Payu signed to then go about, he went to the kitchen to start in on something to then take it to the dining room table to eye over the plate to have a long face.
I really am a prick..... What I did 2 months ago and last night are unexcusable.
Rain then slowly moved his head up to look to the back of the door to then place his hands to the plate to then move it back to then place his hands to his eyes.
I'm really am a fucked up person! Rain is straight and I keep doing these things to him. No one should have lost there virginity the way that he did. I just took it because I hadent had sex for 4 years, but that is not an excuse!
Payu signed and hard, he then took his hands from his eyes to then move his head up to eye over that door again to shake his head a bit.
I know what I must do next...... I'm just so sorry rain.....
A few hours later, rain slowly opened his eyes to then take in a deep breathe to turn to his back to then stretch, he slowly moved up to then look about to then yawn.
He then peered his eyes down has his stomach started to growl.
Getting up, he then went about, to stand to the middle of the living room to be a bit confused.
"Payu?"
Rain then looked everywhere, even in the two rooms he told payu not to go into, he then went about to eye the living room table to then walk to it to grab a piece of paper to read it through to then part his lips.
To rain: I can never ever say how much I am truly sorry for what has occurred. Never should have happened. Your right, I'm a piece of human Garage for what I have done. Even though I don't want to be alone, I can't have this happen again, given you are very much straight. I left when I could. Please don't be mad I took a little bit of food and water. You won't see me ever again.
Rain slowly moved his head up to then let the paper fall to then go to his cabinets to then let out a breathe. He still had a mountain of food.
Rains face then fell.
Guess...... This is for the best......
Rain took in deep breathes with a hardened face has he was not to sure about that.