The Lives Of The Romanovs

Running Away

Tatiana

"What all should I pack, Tatiana Nikolaevna?" Dasha asked me. I watched as my lady-in-waiting helped situate my things into a suitcase. I handed her all the things I wanted to bring with me. After our fight, I realized I could not live with Dmitri any longer. I needed to get away from. His heavy drinking and reckless behavior was not only dangerous to me, but to our children. I would be a poor mother by keeping them in that kind of environment.

"Just pack the girls some dresses. Little Dmitri needs his outfits as well. Simply pack whatever you believe is necessary." I replied.

"Yes, ma'am."

Little Dmitri came running around the corner. He was all dressed with his hair tidy. He was holding his toy horse in one hand with a wide grin on his face.

"Mama, I want to bring my horse." Little Dmitri signed to me, but stayed absolutely silent. It was sad that he still struggled so much with speaking, but his Russian Sign Language was exquisite. However, it was going to be difficult for him to communicate with others in the future.

"You can bring your horse, yes." I nodded at him.

"Bring what to where?" Dmitri groaned as he came around the corner, leaning in the doorway. I glared over at him. He was wearing a tank-top with a pair of khaki-pants. A small glass of whiskey was in his hand.

"Little Dmitri, go with Dasha to your sisters. Go on." I pointed. Dasha took Little Dmitri's hand and the two walked out of the room together. My lady's maid took a suitcase and walked out as well. Dmitri and I were left in the room as I packed my last suitcase.

"Tanya, what is going?"

"What does it look like? I am leaving you, and I am taking the children."

There was a small moment of silence.

"Is it because of Veronika?"

I could help but chuckle. "You really think this is because of Veronika? Dmitri, I could care less about who you sleep with." I looked at him and pointed at him and I. "This is about us. It is about your alcohol problem and how we do not love each other anymore."

"Come on, dear. We should stop and think about this, truly." Dmitri tried to get closer to me, but I grabbed my suitcase and shoved past him. He followed me out of the room and down the halls. He was yelling things at me, but I did not care any more at all. I just needed out of that palace.

"Ma'am, let me take that." A footman came up to me when I finally got to the staircase.

"Thank you." I weakly smiled at him. I walked down the stairs with Dmitri behind me.

"I love you, Tatiana. I really do. I did not mean what I said the other night. I was drunk."

I reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to look at him. He was halfway on the stairs still. Pity and sadness took over his emotions. I could see it in his brown-eyes. Pain.

"That is the thing though. You are always drunk. I cannot be married to an alcoholic. I deserve better than that. The children deserve more than an alcoholic father." The tears were starting to form in my eyes. My heart started sinking a little bit. One part of me wanted to hug him and talk through our situation. The other part of me knew I needed to leave.

"I can fix this. I will stop drinking and I can get my act together."

I shook my head. "It is too late for that. You had years to fix it and you did not."

"Was our marriage truly this awful? Are you truly this miserable you even take the children away from me?"

I sighed. I was at a loss for words with that. But I knew what Olga would tell me: speak from that heart. It was important to get out all of the emotions I had bottled up. If I wanted Dmitri to possibly get his act together, then I needed to tell him everything. And even if I did not wish to get back together with him, then he still needed to know why it was ending.

"Dmitri...do you remember the last time we flirted with each other? The last time we genuinely complimented one another? The last time we had a conversation that did not lead to an argument? You can hardly even kiss me without being disgusted. You refuse to make love to me. I have tried, and tried, and tried to be a good wife to you and be understanding. I have given you my whole heart...and that still is not enough for you. I am so exhausted of trying. I give up." I let the tears roll down my face.

Dmitri came down the stairs more. He took my hand and started kissing it. He moved to my wrist and then he was kissing my whole arm. Dmitri was...crying. He was actually crying.

"I am sorry, my darling. Please stay with me. I need you in my life, Tanya. I need you. I love you."

I cried harder. This was the most difficult moment of my entire life. However, this is what I needed to do.

"Let go me. Let go of me. I have to go. I have to leave." I tugged my arm away from him. Dmitri reached for me again, but missed. As I was getting ready to walk out the front door, Dmitri said his final words to me.

"I will always love you."

I did not have the courage yo turn around and look at him. I simply kept walking with fists clenched tightly. I got in the backseat of the car with the children. Baby Irina and Little Dmitri were waving goodbye to their Papa as he stood in the doorway. His eyes were locked with mine. I could not stop staring at him until the car started rolling. Once he was out of sight, I sat forward with the children.

"Why is Papa not coming with us? Mama, why is he not coming?" Baby Irina asked.

"He-He is just not well. He is sick right now and wishes to be alone." I lied.

"I am going to miss him. I should write a letter to him!"

I weakly smiled. "Alright, dear. We are going to spend sometime with Dadushka and Babushka. Does that sound fun?"

"Yes!"

"I figured. Oh, my darlings." I held the three of them close to me. We sat in silence for the rest of the car ride to my parents' home. And I sobbed silently the whole time.