The Lives Of The Romanovs

A Sad New Year (Season 4 Finale)

Tatiana

Dmitri and I along with Igor and Olga stayed at the Alexander Palace a little while longer to help Papa and Mama grieve. Even though Dmitri told me not to, I couldn't stop thinking about Maria's illness. I should have told Vladimir from the start. It was not a good idea to keep it a secret. My brain has been feeding me such a guilt and dread. As if I was responsible for Maria's death.

Shortly after lunch, I caught Vladimir in his sitting room. He was sitting at his desk writing something. His eyes had dark eye bags and a pale complexion. Poor Vladimir clearly hadn't been sleeping, and he was hardly eating anything. And he was still sleeping next to Paul's crib every night. Vladimir was waking up with his son every night.

"Vladimir? May I come in?" I peeked my head in the room. Vladimir turned his head and silently nodded. He set his pen down and leaned back in the chair. I entered the room and shut the door behind me. I slowly walked closer to the desk.

"What are you writing about?" I asked him.

"My newest and last poem. It's called "The Death of The Lilac Field." It's about a man who dedicated his life to a woman who loved lilacs. Together, they gardened a lilac field together. But when she unexpectedly died, the man had no will to keep the field of lilacs alive. So, he watched each bush die until there was nothing left."

There was a hard lump in my throat. "That is terribly sad."

"I dedicate it to my Maria. I have grown to like that one American poem by Edgar Allen Poe. It's called "Annabel Lee". It's about a love that these two people had until the angels from Heaven cursed Annabel Lee with an illness. She died and the man slept by her grave for the rest of his life. Oh Tatiana, I am so confused."

"About what, Cousin Vladimir?" I soothed him.

"About to raise my son on my own. How can I do this without my Lilas? Maria was my everything. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Now look at me. I am a twenty-seven year old widower who is lost now."

It was truth time. If I did not do it now, then I would never be able to. I deeply exhaled and put my hand on Vladimir's shoulder.

"V-Vladimir, there is something I must tell you." I gulped. "Last Summer...Maria and you came to visit. She had felt such envy over Olga because she had just found out she was with child. I took dear Mashka to see Doctor Gedroits. Maria...knew it was dangerous."

Vladimir furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean? What did Maria know?"

That's when I lost it. I felt my knees next to his desk and burst into sobs. It was hard to get any words out. The air was sucked out of my body and there was such a harsh pain in my chest.

"M-Maria k-knew she might die if-if she g-got pregnant. A-And w-we kept it a s-secret. Oh God!" I cried out. "I-I am so s-sorry! I should h-have told you a-about Maria! Forgive me!"

I looked up at Vladimir. He had tears in his eyes that were behind an expression of confusion. His eyes stayed furrowed and he shook his head.

"It's not your fault, Tatiana. You did not do anything wrong."

"What?" I sniffed and tried to wipe my tears.

"It's not your fault Lilas died. She made that choice for herself. If what you're saying is true, then there was nothing you could have done to stop her. Tatiana, it was not your fault. You did not kill my wife."

You did not kill my wife.

That sentence made me suddenly sob harder. I stayed on my knees sobbing in front of him. I could not stand or say anything. Vladimir pat my shoulder, but did not say anything. He sat there and comforted me. I had that deep secret off of my chest, which felt comforting. But my sister was still dead. Maria was still gone and nothing would bring her back. That part was the hardest for all of us.
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Olga