Her Pacifier: Secrets From The Past

Chapter 20

It is dark everywhere. Everywhere is pitch black.
No blurs, no blobs, no fogs, no figures, no flashing lights. Nothing. No sounds just silence.
Peace. Dark peace and I'm loving it.

Every part of me is numb. Everything is numb.
No pain, no grief, no mixed emotions, no stress, no brood, no anxiety, no love, no faith, no hope, no pathway. Nothing. No feelings just numbness. Numb to the core and I'm loving it.

I stay in this peaceful, numb darkness thinking what it would be like to be here forever. It would be like this...nothing. I can't think of anything else or the possibilities and opportunities I could venture. This is my forever. And if it is so why do I have to put so much thought into it?
This is the finale, I strolled my rubber limbs and used my last bit of energy just to cross this bridge. I crossed it, I finally did.
No more pain whatsoever, I'll dwell into the cave of my ending for I have reached my destination of totally nothing.
...

I'm supposed to be happy...but...but why does it feel like a facade? Like I'm faking my happiness and masquerading my regret for gladness.
I'm not supposed to feel any sort of emotion in here, I'm supposed to feel numb but peaceful at the same time. Yet here I am, a fool for thinking death was my destiny and ultimate decision.
Yet here I am feeling confused when I'm not supposed to feel anything at all. Here I am trapped in a facade instead of breaking free from my suffering. Here I am...being a fool.
...

I thought I wanted it. I thought I wanted this but I thought wrong. I always think wrong because I'm a dumbass. I see it now. I really am dumb.
Complete fear soars inside of me as I feel everything. Do I really want to feel everything?
I'm supposed to feel nothing...aren't I?
I don't know anymore! I'm fearing the unknown.
....

The unknown is darkness and darkness is fear. You fear the unknown because in the dark you can't see what is easily seen in the light.

Passion was right. Now that I think of it and I mean really think of it I do want to be blinded by the light. I want to be out in the open and carefree in the sun. I want to rely my hope in the sun, to have hope again. And not just in here, in this darkness, out there too. Where I was before I called Jade and drank those pills.
I want to see more...I want to live more, to be alive with positives to thrive.
I want to see... Passion. But how can I if I crossed the bridge that separates the spirit world from the living world? I'm trapped in here and I chose it, mostly to see my mother again but mostly for myself. How can I see her when I'm here? Numb, dark, emotionless, scared. Minus the peace because its long gone and it's never coming back. Fear replaced it.

I'm selfish and for that I'll never see my hope in the warm rays of the sun and never see Passion again. I will never see Pia, Drae, Joe, Harry and the others. I promised to be at Joe's next soccer game and stay for his practice and that was supposed to be today. I broke my promise and for that I'm a bad friend. Joe reminds me so much of Jade, mostly because they both love soccer and it feels like I've broken my promise with my brother.

This feeling is terrible.
I thought I was not supposed to feel anything.

My head throbs and my stomach ignites.
I thought I was not supposed to feel anything...

My limbs are heavy like rubber, like steel.
I thought I was not supposed to feel anything...

My eardrums detect voices from far, sauntering closer and closer, I hear a groan and it takes me a minute to identify it as my own.
Am I supposed to hear anything?

My cheeks heat and seconds pass before they heat again and again. I hear my name being called and minutes pass before my eyes open and my lashes flicker back and forth.
Ouch. They're so heavy and sore.