Every New Beginning... (Chris Evans AU)

.164.

  "How does it feel for everyone to always leave you?" Well, Phillip, it sucks. It is more painful than I think you could imagine, but what's worse is when you push the people away intentionally to save yourself from hurting, without realizing the intense pain you'll cause yourself or them.

  I've been told I'm a selfless person to a fault, putting those around me before myself. I have never thought of myself as that, I just thought I was being a decent human being. The likes of which you apparently know nothing about. But since Pop's death, I've been selfish.

  I walked away from the man I love the most. I pushed away the man that has done nothing but love me for ALL that I am, blemishes and scars, he WANTED them all. His desire for all of me was greater than his fear of being hurt. 

  He wanted what you didn't. And I pushed him away. 

  I let my faults, the faults that you instilled in me, ruin the most important thing in my life. I won't let you continue to do it and for that I have to rebuild myself once again. 

  I say all of this to come to this point. I can't keep letting you have this hold over my life. You may have set a precedent but it's time I erase it from my life, just as you erased me from yours. 

 Have a great life with your family, Phillip. I'll be too busy trying to build my own. 

Opal Lucas

  Once the pen touched the paper it all flowed too easily, unexpectedly simple. I'm unsure why I had never thought of writing a letter to him after all these years. 

 The sadness and frustration lay evident as there are tear stains covering the lined paper. Slight smudging in places that hurt the most. 

  Another glance at the words and I notice I cried harder when I wrote of Chris, not when I wrote of Pops, or even the lack of care for my well being not shown by my father. 

  Everything keeps pointing me back to him, revealing what an idiot I've been. How stupid I was to think I could so easily go back to a life without him. 

 I look at my cell that sits on my nightstand, my fingers itching, longing to pick it up. My ears tickle to hear his deep voice. My heart wishing for those familiar flutters only he provides.

  Instead I prepare myself for bed, silently begging that the words I just poured out will give ma slight reprieve from nightmares and inadequacy.

  A knock on my office door breaks my concentration from the spreadsheet on my computer. "Come in," I call out, redirecting my chair towards the entryway. 

  "It's me," Lily announces as she pushes the door open. 

  "Hey."  She walks in wearing gym clothes, her hair a bit mussed, telling me she's already been to the gym at this point in the day. "What's up?"

  "Just thought I'd drop by," she admits. I notice her eyes flit to the area next to my computer, the spot where a photo of Chris and I from their wedding still sits. 

  "No specific reason?"

  "Not really, just to visit, talk, maybe eat lunch if there's some extras," she tells me, the last part coming out nonchalantly. 

  "I thought Jameson made y'all reservations for tonight, you know, your anniversary?" 

  "Has it really been a year?" she asks, but her face reads differently. She knows what she's doing.

  "Indeed it has," I assure her. "And, I know this because Mila made you a small cake for just the two of you."

  Her eyes go wide in fake shock. "She did?"

  "Don't play dumb, Lil, it really doesn't work for you," I laugh out. "That why you went to the gym today?" 

  She looks off to the side as her lip twitches, "Maybe."

  "Maybe my butt. Come on, I'll grab it for you." 

  Just as I walk past her she grabs my hand, turning me towards her. "Did you ever finish going through those boxes from Pops? You know, the ones labeled with your name from his office."

 "I did."

  "Was there anything surprising? Any deep dark secrets the old man was keeping?" she asks full of mischief.

  With a roll of my eyes, I tell her no. "Well, I don't think so. I still haven't gone to his safe deposit box at the bank. I guess I should do that soon."

  "Why don't we go now? I can go with you, I don't have any plans til tonight and Jameson's at the precinct until then."

  I chew on the corner of my mouth. I've been putting it off because of the fear of what I may fine, but having worked through some of my 'homework' the last few days has given me a little more confidence to face some things head on. "Okay. Let me grab my purse. The key is in there. I'll meet you at your car?"

  She goes on ahead of me as I go back to my desk. I pause just a moment to look at the photo of Chris and I from one year ago today. His expression will always make me believe, as Pops said, that I was a prized possession.  With a sigh, I grab my purse and head towards the front of Magnolia, locking my office behind me. A quick wave to AnnaBeth and I head for Lily's car. 

  On the ride to the bank I reach into my purse, my left hand feeling around to find the key I just dropped in without thinking much about how difficult it might be to locate once I was ready. I'm watching Lily as she's telling me her plans for the night, my hand continuing to dig through until I finally feel the small metal touching my fingers.

  I pull my hand out, the keys between my thumb and forefinger, a gasp escaping my lips as I look down at my hand.

  "What's that?" Lily asks, gesturing towards my hand.

  My right hand covers my mouth as my lip begins to quiver. 

  "It's my paper ring," I whisper, looking down at the circle of paper sitting around my ring finger.