Every New Beginning... (Chris Evans AU)

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Opal POV

  I truly believe that everyone has moments in their lives in which we don't recognize ourselves.  The person looking back at us from the mirror is only a shell, sometimes the only remnant left of the actual person.

   I believe there are times when we don't recognize our own actions either. Isn't that why they, whoever they are, say hindsight is 20/20? We do things that are completely out of the ordinary of our usual actions, leaving those around us in complete confusion, trying to figure out why we did what we did, or who we've become. 

  Are we allowed to have those moments? 

  How long do those moments last?

  How much of those moments change the relationships they affect?

  Does a person really have control over those moments? Not in an physically abusive way, or even abusive emotional way, but when you can actually recognize that what you're doing is not who you are, and yet you still continue down a destructive path. 

  And some how, all I can truly think about is the fact that I left Chris before he leaves me on his own accord.

  I blame my father for the most recent decisions, my most recent actions. 

  Everything that I thought I had managed to work through, came crashing back at me. Every brick of each wall that had been crumbling away bit by bit, now feels stronger and more like a fortress than ever before. 

  And if pushing Chris away is the best thing for me to do in this situation, why does it still hurt so bad?

  Why is it that no matter what I try to occupy myself with, my thoughts continue to drift to him? 

  Is he hurting? 

  Is he thankful to no longer have to deal with my idiosyncrasies?

  I mean, I'm sure I've done him a favor, right? 

  I walked away from him before he could realize how incredibly broken I am.

  I did what was best for him in the long run.

  I did what's best for me in the short of it all. 

  And if I'm so confident in my decision, why does it leave me feeling more empty than I ever have in my entire life?

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  It's been almost two weeks since I last text Chris. The famous three words that apparently hit a strong enough chord for him to do just that: Let it go.

  As much as I pray throughout the day to find rest when my head hits my pillow, it all seems in vain as I am now sure I haven't slept well since our night in the blanket fort.  But if anyone should ever ask, I can apparently function on just a couple hours of broken sleep.

  If what I'm doing can be called functioning.

  After Lily attempted her intervention at Magnolia, Rae tried her own tactic by showing up at my house a few days later with coffee and muffins. 

  "Hi friend," she said when I opened the front door. 

  She immediately holds out the cup of coffee to me and I don't hesitate to take it and sip. "Heaven" I hum as the liquid tries to wake up my soul. "Yours better be decaf, young lady."

  "It is mother," Rae answers, rolling her eyes. She's about to pop that precious boy out of her at any moment and caffeine has not been her friend recently.