A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

going home

"i'm scared to deal with things. I wish... why can't I just be skinny. Why can't it just be that easy Vendela. And I even failed at that. I couldn't even starve myself right. Instead of getting the supermodel body I wanted I look like a skeleton, but I still see all the fat. My ribs stick out and my hip bones too, it's disgusting. But I can't see that as skinny, I just see all the fat" I say and tears stream down my face.

"Elliana. Your eating disorder will never be satisfied, it will never be enough weight lost because it's trying to kill you. There is no such thing called thin enough because every time you reach a goal weight the eating disorder makes you push it further. The problem isn't your body, the problem is how you see it and how you use it to cope with other things that are going wrong. But you haven't been at a normal weight in over a year, you reached it for a few weeks when you quit therapy before summer vacation, but that's not enough time for your brain to recover. It takes a while on a normal weight for your brain to realize why it's acting the way it is and for the worst symptoms to subside" she tells me.

That's one of the things that sucks the most, that reaching the goal weight they set for me doesn't mean that things get easier. I did get better years ago, but I think I was too young to actually fully deal with my issues the way I should have. Clearly that's the case since I relapsed again and now, I haven't held a normal weight long enough to actually deal with things. My brain has been starved in some degree for a while, and even though I hate it I get what she is saying about it taking a while to recover.

She takes out different meal plans "this is the meal plan you are on today and up until we see each other again on Monday after school. It has specific amounts and times to eat. I want you to be around someone when you eat. Whether that's facetiming with your parents or being around betty or your boyfriend. Being with someone can help you cope and stay distracted. But at the end of the day, eating is your responsibility"

She tells me how she has spoken with the treatment team and then told my parents that technically they have enough to section me as I'm dangerously underweight. But that they want to work with me on this plan if I can follow it. If I mess up I need to go inpatient and if I refuse, they can section me. This is my one shot and I'm not going to fail it because there is no fucking way, I am going inpatient again.

Now I have therapy with her every Monday and Friday at 4pm and every Wednesday at 4pm with the dietician. It's going to be hard and I'm terrified, but I'm refusing to get admitted so they are leaving me with little choice.

I leave the office and go to meet my parents that are waiting for me. But we don't talk there, we leave the office and go sit in their car. I'm not cleared to drive yet so one of them is going to pick me up and take me to my therapy appointments. I fill them in on what the therapist said and what the plan is moving forward.

I have also agreed to let my therapist call my parents and tell them the plan herself too because they don't exactly trust me to convey it all myself at this point.

"Should we maybe swing by whole foods to get you some of the food for your meal plan?" my mom suggests so we drive there and do that.

Walking into a grocery store with other people always makes me nauseous, but I know that I need to do it. I do like going here alone and look at all the labels of foods I don't allow myself to eat. I've memorized most of it at this point, but I keep looking at the same things and pretend that I get to eat it.

They ask me what fruit I want "obviously golden delicious apples" I say, and we get some of those. We only need to get stuff from today and until Monday since my meal plan changes then. But we get some stuff too that we know I will need soon.

"let's get some of your favorite snacks too then" my mom suggests, and we go get that. I'm nervous and almost in tears when I see her grab my favorite little cookies, the Annies homegrown single serving packs. I might be 19 years old, but those has always been my favorite. I haven't eaten them in forever because they have too much sugar in my eyes, but I love them, and my parents always remember that.