Far from home|KTH

Ghost

Emma tapped her fingernails on the table nervously as she sat at her table at the rooftop bar with city views. Her taps made a rhythmic noise that calmed her racing heart.

She felt nervous. This wasn't a normal request, but she couldn't help her curiosity and in a way she still felt like she owed her for what she did last night. Not only last night but probably as long as the past months without even knowing it.

The thought of Maddy existing had never even crossed her mind naively. She still felt dumbfounded and her mind had tried to grasp the concept of her ever since last nights encounter with her.

Maddy's teary eyes staring into hers with pure defeat yesterday still lingered. She could not even imagine what it felt like for Maddy seeing Tae with her yesterday.

"Hey", Maddy said and slid down in the chair opposite to Emma's.

She was tall and graceful, everything Emma wasn't.

"Hey. I would say it is nice to meet you...but I just don't know if that is the truth for us", Emma replied with a half smile, gazing at her nervously.

Maddy let out a slight chuckle as she observed her.

"True. Hey, I understand that this is completely weird and out of the blue. Until yesterday you didn't even know about me....yet I know so much about you", Maddy replied and gazed at Emma with her curious eyes.

Emma was petite but pretty with her huge blue eyes and long light hair. She was nothing like she imagined her to be. Her smile was warm, her gaze honest and there was something extremely likable about her, even in this uncomfortable situation. The fact that she even agreed to meet up spoke volumes. She wasn't that monster she had painted her to be in her mind.

"Listen Maddy, I'm so sorry about last night and about everything", Emma spoke softly.

"It wasn't your fault, you didn't know. He is to blame", Maddy replied with a sad smile.

"But still I feel bad. I would never want to put anyone in your situation. I would never have if I knew", Emma said.

Maddy gazed at Emma for a moment as if she tried to figure her out. The fact that she apologized made it harder to dislike her, and she really had spent her time disliking her for the past 6 months because of how she made Tae feel. She had spent nights cursing her name in her mind when she held a crying and heartbroken Tae. His darkness and sadness was so deep that she couldn't understand how anyone could have hurt him that bad and still been someone worthy of him. The bond between them seemed so unbreakable, so unhealthy still.

And now she was sitting across from her, her gazing back at her with all her honesty and she suddenly understood at least a part of why. She could understand why Tae loved her.

"I...I spent so much time hating you to be honest", Maddy said hesitantly and stared at Emma intensely. "I hated you for the way you made him hurt and I would have given anything for him to smile again, to feel happy for at least a moment".

Emma nodded and looked down. She knew this wasn't easy for her and to hear how much Tae suffered because of her from Maddy was painful.

"You really broke him to the core but he still loved you so deeply...He defended you even in his lowest moments", Maddy continued.

"I know...and I'm sorry for that. We both hurt....", Emma replied.

"You both hurt and you hurt other people on the way", Maddy answered her with a sharp gaze. "I was so curious about the woman who was a ghost in my relationship with him. About the woman who he loved to the edge of madness. I wanted so badly to be her, I craved to be her at least for a moment".

Emma didn't know what to say. Tae wasn't right for using her, for hurting her. The suffering was clear in her deep eyes, but it was justified. He hurt her, but so did she even though she didn't know it. No one deserved to live in the shadow of someone else.

"I don't know what to say...I just hope that you will accept my apology and that you will be alright one day. I know how hard he is to forget...Believe me I tried...", Emma said quietly.

She felt jealous in a way for everything Maddy shared with Tae because she knew his power.

Maddy observed Emma knowing that she would never grasp the full picture of her and Tae's story. All she knew was that she would never be what Emma was to him and that was painfully clear.

"So what's your plan? You won...but it was never really a fair fight at all, I see that now ...I just had to convince myself that I had a chance, I wanted to have one so badly with him", Maddy said.

Emma didn't know what to answer her and she felt bad once again. Maddy would have done anything for Tae, she knew that. And to lose to someone who didn't know what she wanted was madness.

"Me and Tae are complicated...", she just managed to answer.

"It really isn't", Maddy replied. "Neither one of you could never make it work with anyone else as long as you have this hold on each other. None of you are ready to let go".

She was right.

"I love him...I know you love him too. It wasn't my plan to steal him from anyone, trust me", Emma said with a sad smile.

"Oh honey...you didn't steal him from me, he was never even mine to begin with. I know that now after seeing him gaze at you like that last night. He has never looked at me like that, not even once", Maddy replied with a soft sad laugh.

Emma's gut flipped and she felt nauseous. It was all such a mess still.

Maddy put on her shades and got up from her chair.

"Thank you for meeting up with me, I just had to see for myself who you were so I could understand, maybe even gain some closure. I will never get or forget him...you are living my dream", she said.

"No problem, it was my pleasure and I'm sorry again", Emma replied.

Maddy turned around and took a few steps before she turned to Emma one last time.

"Emma you know...I was never that woman for him, he didn't love me like he loves you, not even for a minute. It was always you, I didn't stand a chance".

Emma watched her walk away with awe. The strength it took for Maddy to come here today to face her, it was impressive. She could not help but to feel sorry for her, sorry for everything she went through because of her. She had played a losing game knowing it, never giving up hope.

Her last words echoed in her mind. It was always you, I didn't stand a chance.

She knew that she needed to see him.