Far from home|KTH

If this was the peak, it's fine

Emma was someone who needed her own space and time at times. She wasn't a loner, but she was selective of her company and when she wanted it. The whole LA trip had been a half year long challenge for her, not only because of her anxiety, but also because she had to share her space with people she normally didn't live with.

To her surprise, she adjusted quickly back then, and so did the others. The house had soon felt like a bunch of lifelong friends sharing a space.

Moving it with Namjoon in his space was another interesting story. She had her own room, but it was only them, sharing life at work and outside of work.

He was considerate to her needs though, comforting her when needed, cheering her up at other times. He was aware that this was difficult for her and that she was confused.

Some nights her tears were for Jin. Even though they parted as friends and spoke on the phone with each other daily still, she still grieved the part of her past that had ended with him. The romantic relationship had ended, but it didn't mean their story did.

Most nights she still cried over Tae. That grief was different and deep. Some nights she let Namjoon comfort her, others he just listened to her crying. He would knock on her door to let her know he was there for her, but respected that she didn't always answer and that she needed her alone time on those nights.

Her confusion was killing her. She missed Tae, she was dying to answer one of his messages, but she knew that she wasn't ready. It was still highly complicated.

It didn't stop her from stalking his instagram or reading their previous conversations over and over again, reminiscing about their time together. She wished nothing more than to travel back in time to those moments, they were still fresh on her mind, calling her loudly.

Her mind often revisited her intimate moments with him.

That night after the balcony in the sunset, when he was comfortable enough with her to show her his true desires. Her skin remembered his playful teasing, soft like a feather at times, driving her senses insane. The burning sensation of stearin dropping from a candle the next moment, enhancing her sensation. The blindfolds, the bonding, her surrendering to him completely, trusting her with everything she had. He loved edging her, enjoying her suffering, her pleading. To hear her beg for him was his favourite part.

She found herself loud with him, desperate for his touch. It was like an addiction, like the best kind of drug that she couldn't get enough off. If those moments were all she got in a lifetime to feel loved and love deeply like that, she would have accepted it and truly considered herself lucky in her life.

Could anything beat it? If that was the peak it's fine. She could live off the memories and feel happy to be sad in a way.

This suffering after was a privilege for an experience like that.

Tae. Magical, exquisite Tae. How blessed was she to have crossed paths with him and for him to bring out the best in her, even if it was for a brief moment in time.

Those were her conclusions most nights and she could rest peacefully knowing that.

Others the tears never seemed to end and the pain felt unbearable.

This was a night like that.

"Emma...just call him...", Namjoon plead for the thousand time.

He sat down on her bed and stroke her back slowly as she shuttered from her pain in her usual fetal position.

"I can't", she managed to whisper through her suffocating sniffles.

He sighed.

"This is madness...to watch you like this is painful. It feels so unnecessary. I know there is still hope. He is just as devastated as you", he replied with a hint of frustration.

Emma stopped her sniffles for a second and sat up quickly, staring at Namjoon with her cried out eyes with desperation in them.

"How do you know?", she asked.

Namjoon took a deep breath and leaned his head back before returning to her gaze.

"I know because I asked someone...", he answered.

Her eyes reflected a glimpse of hope but also anger.

"How?Why?", she almost yelled at him.

"Because...I could not just watch and do nothing and there are so many people involved in this mess from both sides. Emma, he is a mess. He still misses you".

She stared at him for a moment in silence. It felt good to know he missed her too, but he must still be angry with her. Furious. And she wasn't sure that she had any answers for him now either.

"You miss him, he misses you. The love is still very much alive", Namjoon continued. "I'm rooting for you two, you know I am", he said with compassion.

She still just stared at him and he knew that her mind was working overtime.

"You should try something new since this shit ain't working", he said with a smirk. "Stop overthinking and just go for it for once".

Emma smiled. He knew her too well.

"I know...but what if I get rejected?", she asked.

"Oh honey...that's what you are afraid off?", he asked surprised.

She nodded and looked down.

"Well it's a risk but you won't know unless you try. There is no guarantees in life, a part of the journey is to take risks and actually succeed".

She knew that he was right. Somehow she still wanted to be ready for him if she decided to give it a chance. She wanted it to be perfect. But nothing in life was perfect and this was definitely not something she could control, like she would have loved to. All she could do was try her best.

The thought scared her to death. It had also been months of silence from her side.

"You can't continue like this forever...it's not healthy for anyone", he said with a soft smile.

Namjoon gave her a warm hug before leaving her to her thoughts again.

Her heart was pounding out of her chest and the fear made her almost break out into a sweat.

With shaky hands she typed;

"Hey...I miss you. Me and Jin broke up".