Far from home|KTH

Self-discovery

"Emma, are you awake? We need to talk...."

These threaded words from Tae woke her up the day after.  She was still a confused mess, but a mess that dreamed about the touch of his luscious lips all night. A hundred flashbacks taking her right back to the thing she had longed for with intense hunger the past two months. That hunger was raging more than ever, it was far from satisfied from that soft peck. She needed to know what his tongue tasted like, what his hands on her body felt like.

At the same time she felt guilty. The next thought was always Jin. Sweet, reliable, safe Jin. Her backbone the past years, someone she loved for years, who had walked the tiresome path of everyday life with her. How could she do this to him?

This trip had turned out to be a journey of self discovery and reflection so far. From the second she stepped out of that plane to this moment, all the moments in between had taken her here for a reason. She knew she wasn't happy with her life in Seoul. The past years had been filled with anxiety, with survival. That wasn't a way she wanted to live life if she was really honest with herself. She was just too deep in it to be able to take herself out of it.

What did she want her life to be?

There was no answer in reach for that question. It was complicated to think of what she would do if she didn't live the life she had. Maybe Tae was just a messenger along her journey. Maybe he was someone who made her aware of her needs, her wishes, her potential. She was definitely a different person here compared to home. Whatever home meant.

That was the total beauty of taking yourself out of your normal habitat. Nobody knew who your were, what you were like. It was up to her to be anyone she wanted. That went for all the others on this trip with her too, but she had the need to explore that more than them.

Who am I, who do I want to be, echoed in her head. She was definitely in an existential crisis of major proportions and there was no way of reversing it.

"I'm up and yes we should talk...", she replied him.

"Breakfast at the brunch place down the street from you?", he answered.

"Sure. See you in 30 min".

Her heart raced for so many reasons. Just imagining sitting across from him made her knees weak right now. Her stomach flipped out of anxiety this time. He surely wanted some answers. What if she didn't have any?

She strolled slowly down the street, a pair of sunglasses too big for her small face covering her tired and hungover face. Little effort had been made to look her best this noon. Her hair was far from perfect, a casual t -shirt and a pair of wide legged pants covering her.

She arrived before him and made herself comfortable at a table in the far end of the garden of the restaurant that was buzzing with brunch loving people this Saturday. Observing people was always a hobby of hers and her mind quickly wandered off  to making up stories about the people around her.

He entered the garden , dressed to perfection as usual. No effort needed ever to be made from his part to look absolutely magical. He strode through the place like he was walking on a catwalk, curious eyes following him from every corner. He just wasn't someone who passed by unnoticed ever and he was perfectly aware of it. A pair of sunglasses covered his face as well and he smiled at Emma, sliding down on the seat across from her.

"Hey...", he said as he leaned back and observed her. Her usually bright frame looked tired and burdened and it worried him. "Are you okay?", he asked.

Her lower lip trembled and her head sunk down. It wasn't difficult to see that she was suffering right now.

He removed his sunglasses and leaned forward over the table and grabbed her hands in his.

"Emma, it's okay...I understand...", he said quietly, wanting to look into her eyes. "Hey, look at me", he demanded. "There is no need to cry, okay? We can figure this out...".

She tried to depress a sniffle with a deep breath as he reached for her sunglasses and removed them. She felt naked in front of him at this moment, but it was comfortable.

"I'm sorry for last nigh...I should not have kissed you like that...", she finally said.

"Don't be, I didn't stop you, did I?", he replied as he gazed at her lovingly.

She shook her head and met his gaze. A feeling of total comforting warmth spread through her when he looked at her like that. It was like he hugged her with all his affection for her without even touching her. It was absolutely intoxicating and she found herself always wanting more. Being in his presence was all she needed, his energy was all she needed. She fed off it, it nourished her soul, there was no better way to explain it. 

"I know you didn't stop me...and your are right...",she continued, not letting go of his gaze.

"Right about what? ", he asked.

"All I dream about is you...you occupy my thoughts day and night, I can't stop it", she replied.

It was exactly what he wanted to hear, but somehow it didn't feel as liberating as he thought it would. He knew why. She wasn't just one of his usual preys , he had developed deep feelings for her quickly over the past months. He truly cared about her, wether her future involved him or not. He just wanted to see her happy.

"Emma...you know I feel the same and would love nothing but to just dive into it with you, but it's not that easy and you know it...", he said, still staring at her with his deep pools.

"Wow...I feel embarrassed... I should be the one saying those words, but they came from you...", she replied feeling ashamed of herself.

"Don't feel embarrassed, you have nothing to feel embarrassed for. But can I ask you something?", he said, still observing her every move.

"Anything...", she said.

"What do you want?".

There was the question she didn't have an answer to. Right now she wanted him, but then what?

She chuckled and glanced at him firecefully.

"Tae...If I only knew myself... All I know is that I want to feel like myself again , who ever that is, and that I cannot return to my old life", she replied.

"I'm glad to hear that you want to be yourself. I would love nothing else. Listen, I'm here for you, I will always be here for you regardless of where this ends up", he replied and smiled at her with one of his warmest smiles. The kind only she knew.

"So you are still going to be my friend after what happened last night, after knowing that I'm a total mess?", she asked curiously.

He nodded without hesitation.

"Always. You mean that much to me", he answered, reassuring her that he was hers.

There it was again, that desperate need to kiss him, to hold him, to smell him.

"Don't look at me like that..", he murmured, looking away for a second.

"Like what...?", she asked, knowing exactly what he meant. No words were needed to explain the attraction between them, that energy had a life of its own that was getting hard to deny.

"You know what I mean. Like you want to kiss me...I'm trying really hard not to right now out of respect for you, but you are not making it easy for me...", he said, gazing at her with the same hunger.

He grabbed her hands in his again, bringing them to his lips and kissing them softly. Her core filled with butterfly flutters, her cheeks flushing pink.

"Tae...", she whispered.

"You are the best thing that happened to me in a very long time. I will take whatever you are willing to give me", he replied, causing her heart to ache for him.

She leaned over the table and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, for being you", she said, and she truly meant it.

He was such a big part of her journey to self-discovery. She was just grateful that he wanted to be in the middle of the mess that was her right now.