Far from home|KTH

Picking up the pieces

"Jin, I kissed someone...".

Those were the words he never expected to hear neither wanted to hear.

He looked at her in absolute disbelief before looking away and shaking his head.

"Tell me I heard that wrong", he said with a tone that required all of his self-control.

"Unfortunately you heard me right...I'm sorry", she replied with a thick lump in her throat.

She had feared this conversation and bargained with herself wether it was necessary to have or not. Namjoon convinced her it was.

"Say something..", she continued, watching him with wide eyes, her heart aching badly. She never intended to hurt him, he just got caught in the middle of her self-discovery journey.

"I don't know what to say...", he continued, his jaw clenched his eyes full of rage. "I don't know who I am talking to right now, I don't recognise you, the Emma I know would never say something like that, do something like that".

His eyes pierced right through her, her guilt eating her up from inside. She never intended to hurt him, to drag him down her complicated road.

"Jin, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just have been feeling like I need to find myself, I don't know who I am anymore..", she replied quietly, tears filling her eyes.

"And you needed to kiss someone for that?! Who is it?? Namjoon?", he said, unable to hide his frustration anymore.

"No no, not Namjoon. It doesn't matter who...", she replied.

"I want to know", he said, staring at her with anger.

"Jin...It won't matter...it's not someone you know, just someone who has been helpful to me over here...", she answered, trying her hardest to not hurt his feelings more.

"I bet he has...been helpful", he chuckled angrily. "Emma, I need time to process this...I truly don't know what to say but it is obvious that we are not on the same path right now...whatever that means...seriously, I cant believe this...after all we have been through...".

"Jin I didn't intend to hurt you, but I need to take this journey alone, to figure out what I want, who I am... I love you..", she said with a thick lump in her throat, ready to explode with all of the emotions she had been suppressing.

"Save it Emma. Don't say that you love me... really...it's offensive. Please respect that I need some time to process this", he said, watching her teary eyes.

He understood that it was hard for her to be honest with him. She could have chosen to never say a word. He would never have know. His guilt for not being there with her on this journey had burned through him the past months, causing an uncomfortable knot to slowly build up inside of him. He knew that she was having a good time, it was obvious to him, he knew her better than she knew herself. She was brighter, happier, smiled more, always in a good mood when they spoke. It was unusual and he knew that she was going through change.

He often wondered where he fit in, in her new life, her new self. He wanted that change for her, for her to feel better, to be happy with herself. He just never thought he could loose her in the process. What they had was a strong foundation, that's what he thought.

"Emma...take your time to figure yourself out", he said after some silence, after having a few moments to observe her and calm down.

She looked up at him with wide surprised eyes.

"I know that you are going through something, it has been obvious to me...and I can see that it is good for you...I just feel a little left out but I know that this has very little to do with me...", he continued calmly.

What she needed right now was not for him to be angry at her, sure he was disappointed, but she needed her best friend to understand and to be supportive. No one knew her like him.

His ability to be subjective was astonishing. His words made her sad. How could she do something like this to someone that amazing, someone who loved her that much.

"Jin I'm sorry...", she sniffled.

"I know...but listen to me. Do whatever it is you have to do to find whatever it is you are looking for, okey? I will be here when you are ready...", he replied, and with those words her heart burst into pieces.

She didn't deserve him but felt lucky that she had him in her life.

"If you decide to return to me at some point, I will be waiting, and I know we will be stronger because of everything that happened. I would never want to be in the way of you finding yourself..come on, you know me better than that Emma", he continued calmly. "Don't cry, I'm not going anywhere".

"Jin...I don't know what to say", she said through her sniffles. "I don't deserve this".

"Yes you do. You are amazing, don't doubt that, please".

"Okey...can I call you if I need to?", she asked carefully.

"Of course you can, anytime", he replied without hesitation.

After her call with Jin she rushed into Namjoons's room and burst into tears in his arms. He had been waiting for her to come through those doors, to need him to comfort her. He knew that it was a big step for her to take, to talk to Jin. He was proud of her courage , it was not easy.

"Do you feel better now, being honest with him?", he asked in his deep tone.

She nodded in between her sniffles.

"I do. It was hard but he deserved to know the truth...and he was such a gentleman about it, I just felt worse. Why would I hurt someone like him like that? I must be crazy...", she answered with frustration.

"I mean...you are a little crazy...", he replied with a smirk.

"Namjoon!!!", she screamed.

"Sorry, not funny right now...got it", he replied quickly before her fist would come flying at him."This all has nothing to do with Jin. It has to do with your personal journey and he knows that. Don't feel bad, just go with the flow and see where it takes you".

Namjoon was right, so was Jin. She just needed to find the bravery required to continue down her path, now that she didn't have Jin to hold her hand.

Relief flushed over her.

"Wanna grab a beer?", she asked Namjoon.

"You know I do", he replied.