Forced Reconciliation

55.

Andi Rhoades

Driving home to Fresno has turned into such a bittersweet thing for me.

When Lila and I were in college, we would make the drive home together at least once per month to see my mom. It's only a little more than three hours, so not too entirely long, but long enough to make some core memories that will live on with me forever, especially now that she's gone.

Memories of blasting music and shouting the lyrics at the top of our lungs as we sped down the freeway, LA fading in the rearview mirror as we moved into the smaller suburban towns.

An audible laugh escapes me as a specific memory flashes through my mind and it has Harry looking over at me from his spot in the driver's seat. "What's so funny?"

"I'm just thinking about one of the first times Lila and I made this drive by ourselves. We were driving home for our first spring break of college and I remember we were listening to a little song called 18 by a cute little band called One Direction, I don't know if you've heard of them?"

Harry chuckles and rolls his eyes. "No, actually. Must not have been very good."

"No, they kind of sucked. Hot, though," I wink and we laugh again. "It's just funny. Should be a memory that means nothing to me but who would have thought that just a year later I'd be falling in love with you at nineteen? Now a simple moment has become a core memory."

"Wish I met you sooner," he tells me as he squeezes my thigh. "Could have loved you longer."

Before I can respond with something as cheesy and sweet as him, Ellie's speaking up from her car seat in the back. "Momma, are we there yet?"

I turn around slightly in my seat, "Almost, babe. Are you excited?"

Ellie nods, her pigtails she's chosen today flopping against her head. "Yes! Does Cece have toys at her house?"

"I think so, El. But I brought you some too."

She smiles, "Thank you, momma."

I can't help but laugh and smile at her before turning around. "Where did she learn to be so polite?" Harry asks with a proud grin on his face.

"I have no idea."

Once Harry takes the correct exit into my suburban hometown, it doesn't take long until we're driving past the house that Lila grew up in. Harry squeezes my thigh again as we pass it, and I begin to feel my chest tighten when I see two little girls playing with chalk in the driveway.

They look to be about five or six years old, and that same bittersweet feeling is all I can feel running through my veins.

That was me and Lila once upon a time.

Two little girls who have their whole lives in front of them. They'll spend their entire childhoods glued to each other before following each other to the big city in hopes that they'll prove something to themselves.

Other people in their lives will come and go, but they'll always be there for each other. They'll be the other's first true love, something inexplicable to anyone else who hasn't yet experienced it.

Lila was my first soulmate, and Harry will be my last.

"Ready?" I hadn't even noticed we had parked in front of my mom's house until Harry's voice broke through my thoughts of Lila and me.

I nod before getting out of the car and rounding to my side to get Rome from his car seat. He starts mumbling "Mumma, mumma, mumma," and it brings an immediate somber smile to my face due to my prior thoughts.