Forced Reconciliation

27.

Andi Rhoades

The drive to Max and Lila's home from Harry's place is spent in a melancholy sort of silence. Harry's fingers thread through mine where they rest on my lap. I feel his gaze fall to me every few minutes just to check and make sure I'm not having a complete mental breakdown.

In reality, I feel lighter than I have in a long time now that Harry knows about my miscarriage. I've never said those words out loud to someone. Even with my therapist, I couldn't come out and say it, so she suggested I write her a letter to tell her what happened. That was easier, but still hard.

I know it wasn't healthy to keep it to myself, I know that, but I truly had no other way to cope. I was treading on such a thin line just trying to keep myself alive that I didn't think it would benefit me if other people knew. I always wanted Harry to know, it was never part of my plan to keep it from him, especially if the baby would have made it.

The memory of the day that the doctor told me I had lost the baby is almost completely wiped from my brain. Skye was with me, so she has filled me in since then, but I don't have any sort of memory of my own. I just remember already being in and out of a state of awareness because of the breakup, so when that bomb was dropped on me, my entire body shut down.

I remember feeling so fucking useless. Like not even my baby wanted me.

Obviously with time, I knew that that was just my mind playing tricks on me, but it didn't make it hurt any less. The doctors were never able to tell me if the baby didn't make it because of something I did, but they did say that I wasn't exactly a good candidate for a healthy, full term pregnancy with the way I was living my life. I wasn't eating, I barely got out of bed, my mental health was shit, and any time I did eat, I would just throw it up right after from my severe anxiety.

The only thing that was keeping me going was the baby.

It had only been just under four months since Harry had left, and I was still calling or texting him every single day trying to get something in return. It was the worst possible time to try and bring a baby into the world, but I was all in once I found out that I still had a piece of Harry with me.

My plan wasn't to use the baby as some sort of ploy to get him back. I wouldn't have wanted to force him back into my life if he didn't want it. But I also didn't think it would be fair for Harry to have a child he never knew about.

I still think about what kind of life I'd be living if the baby would have made it. If Harry and I would have gotten back together sooner, or if he'd resent me for trying to fuck up his image with a child. The baby would have been between Ellie and Rome age-wise, and part of me wonders what life would be like if Harry and I were raising our three babies together.

I don't want Harry to feel any added guilt because of this. There's no way he could have known that I was pregnant when he left. I didn't even know I was pregnant. And I believe that he wouldn't have left if he did know. He might abandon me, but I don't believe that Harry would abandon his child.

I know him though, and I know that he's never going to forgive himself for this. I need him to know that I've come to terms with it and I'm not as heartbroken about it anymore and I don't hold anything against him. Of course, I wish he was there to help me through it all, but that's not what happened and there's nothing I can do about it now.

Hearing him say that he's not going anywhere did relieve some of my nerves. Hearing that he'd stand by me if I ever wanted to have children with him in the future was a shock, but also a type of warmth that I didn't know I was looking for.

"I'm sure Ellie has roped Shawn into some sort of craft or painting, so that should be fun." I didn't even realize that we had arrived back at Max and Lila's until Harry had shut off the car and we were sitting in silence.