Forced Reconciliation

52.

Harry Styles

"How do you think that went?" I ask Andi as the two of us buckle our seatbelts and I put the car in drive.

I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she bites her lip and picks at her nails. "Good, yeah, I think it was good for the first session."

Andi and I just had our very first therapy session with our therapist, Melinda. It was interesting to be in that environment with Andi and see how she acts when someone is asking her personal questions that I, myself have a hard time asking.

It's obvious that the two of us could benefit from some counseling when it comes to how we're moving through life as a couple. It's only been just under eight months since our worlds were flipped upside down and completely changed forever. As soon as Andi mentioned that we go to therapy, I was wondering why we hadn't thought to do it sooner.

I guess it took us hitting a wall and crumbling completely as individuals and as a couple for us to realize that it would be beneficial to seek help.

After that night in the kitchen where I fell apart in every way imaginable, Andi and I made a pact to do everything possible so that we can be the healthiest versions of ourselves for not only each other but for our family. Ellie and Rome deserve the best of us.

It's been a week since I almost made the worst mistake of my life and Andi saved me. I've thought a lot about that night and what got me to that point, and honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Like I told Andi, I just needed something, and I guess I fell back to my old vices since my current one wasn't available at the time.

Andi thinks it's her fault that I almost broke my sobriety; I learned that today in therapy. It's not, of course, it's not, but she said that she feels like she's to blame. Melinda told her exactly what I wish I could have.

My sobriety isn't her responsibility.

Of course, Andi helps with keeping me sober and in a way has become my fix when I would normally drink, but even I know that's not healthy. And it shouldn't be her worry to keep me sober.

Melinda said that she feels that we only need a few sessions just to talk through some issues and make sure we're all on the same page before we transition to the point where we only come back when we need it. Overall, she could tell that Andi and I generally don't have a problem communicating our thoughts, but because of the recent trauma, we're both keeping our feelings to ourselves more than usual.

I can sense something bothering Andi just by the way she's nervously fidgeting in her seat. "What's the matter?"

She takes a deep breath, "It's just weird rehashing everything and talking in-depth about how it made me feel. I know it's necessary, but it just makes me a little uncomfy at first. I remember feeling this way when I first went to therapy a couple of years ago."

"I know. It's not very fun to relive it all, especially with a stranger, but I think it was alright, yeah?" She nods, still biting her lip.

Andi and I have fallen back into our normal life in the last week. Well, mostly. There are still a few things that feel off, but overall, we're in a better place than we were and we can both at least see the light at the end of the tunnel to know that things are on their way to getting better.

We can talk and laugh like before, and it's been obvious that it makes a difference when it comes to how Ellie and Rome act as well. It's definitely shown that it's easier to take care of them when Andi and I are in a better place.

Andi still has a harder time being naked in front of me or undressing if she knows I'm watching her. I've tried and tried to tell her that I don't see her in the way she thinks I do, but there's something in her head that tells her otherwise. She thinks that as soon as I see her in something other than a big t-shirt and shorts, I'm going to be reminded of the miscarriage and want nothing to do with her.