Forced Reconciliation

19.

Harry Styles

Squinting my eyes as the sunlight peeks through the blinds in my room at Max and Lila's, this morning should feel like any other morning, but it's anything but that. Because I have a sleeping Andi Louise tucked into my chest, breathing warm air on my neck.

My mind wanders back to last night, and if it weren't for the living breathing angel sleeping in my arms, I would've been convinced that I dreamt up the entire thing.

She said yes to a date.

It was everything I could've imagined and then some when I pictured going on another first date with Andi. I was so nervous walking up to her apartment, and as soon as she opened the door and I saw her, I could've sworn I entered heaven.

Not only did she look absolutely amazing, but I could tell that she was happy to see me, and that beats any dress she could've worn.

The dress though – holy fuck.

Everything felt so normal between us the entire night. It wasn't weird like we were living in our past, but more so trying to learn about the new versions of each other, and I loved it. Hearing about her job and how she teaches those kids filled me with immense pride, she really doesn't have a clue just how special she is.

I'd give anything to be able to see her in her element one day, just show up and sit in the back of her classroom to watch her teach. It's only fair, she got to watch me work every night for eight months straight while she came on tour with me.

It makes me feel sad thinking that I could probably never do such a thing with her. Knowing that she has to keep her personal and professional life so separate makes sense, but I just want to observe her in that way.

Getting to be in her apartment last night was a trip in and of itself. It made me realize that I've never seen individualized Andi. When I met her, she was living with Lila in a dorm room, and I only went over there twice before she had practically moved in with me.

Only five months into our relationship, Andi officially moved in and made my empty house a home. I had never felt like my house in Los Angeles was very homey, until she came into my life.

She made me homesick for LA for the first time in my life, and suddenly I realized that it wasn't the city or the house that I was missing, it was her. I was homesick for her.

When I was looking around Andi's apartment last night, seeing all of her achievements, the books she had built up, and the little knick-knacks she's collected, it made me lonesome for that.

My house isn't home anymore. When I left, I went to London where I spent most of the two years we've been apart. I couldn't stand the thought of possibly running into her because we were in the same city.

Of course, I came back when I needed to for work but I always tried to avoid it at all costs. The first time I walked through the door to what used to be my home, I broke down and sobbed for days. Drowning myself in alcohol to rid of the fact that there was no trace of Andi left.

She was really gone because I left her. It was no one else's fault but my own.

My home was now just a house, nothing more than a place to sleep and store my things, and I truly wanted nothing to do with it, I still don't.

I haven't been back other than to get clothes since the accident. I know the cleaners are still cleaning it weekly, but there's no real reason for me to keep it. While it holds some of the worst memories of my life, there were some of the greatest times in my life as well.

Andi and I fell in love in that house. Our love grew in that house, but it also shattered in that house.

Eventually, I'll put it up for sale, but it's not the top priority right now. Right now, my top priorities are keeping Andi, Ellie, and Rome happy, safe, and loved.