Forced Reconciliation

26.

tw: mentions of miscarriage/pregnancy loss

____________

Andi Rhoades

If someone would have told me six months ago that I'd be in the position that I am now, I would have laughed in their face. If they told me that I would go through losing my two best friends, just to be left with the guardianship of their children, not to mention with my ex boyfriend, I would have probably rolled my eyes and not given it a second thought.

Thinking back on the version of myself that I was six months ago, I feel some sort of sympathy for her. Not only was she completely unaware of what her life was about to become, but she was so sad and oblivious to the tumultuous lifestyle she had created for herself.

I think back to all the times I thought I was happy in the last two years, and while I know there were some truly happy times, I now realize that a majority of my "happy moments" were just moments where I was distracted from my sadness.

There is not one single part of me that thought I'd ever get Harry back in my life again, even as a friend or acquaintance. So the fact that we've been able to come as far as we did and especially in such a short amount of time has me baffled every single day. Part of me is waiting to be woken up from this nightmarish dream, it doesn't even feel real that he's mine again.

It's now April, and today is the day that I'm moving into Max and Lila's house before Harry leaves for tour. He leaves in less than two weeks, and while I do my best not to think too much about what his absence could do to our relationship, I'd be lying if I said it didn't weigh heavy on my mind every night before I close my eyes.

Him leaving was the thing that tore us apart the first time, and while I know that this is nothing like that, it doesn't completely wash my worries away. I know that he'll facetime us and keep in touch, but part of me has some fear in the back of my head that he's going to just drop off the face of the earth all over again.

He'll be in the UK and that's enough to bring back some terrible memories for me since that's where he hid from me for the last two years. I know he cares about us, I know that. But my insecurities and past are peaking through to make me paranoid.

For the last two weeks, Harry and I have been focusing on finding a new nanny for the kids. We went back to the drawing board and picked through the candidates that had barely missed the mark for whatever reason the last time around when we mistakenly chose Sophia.

After dozens of interviews and reference after reference, I think we've finally settled on the only man that had applied for the position.

His name is Shawn and he's in his early thirties, doing this part time while also working on his new clothing line he's trying to launch in the next year or so. We had Shawn and his fiancé, Eric over one night for dinner just to get to know them better and see how Ellie interacted with him.

She has really taken a liking to Shawn over the few times he's been over in the last week and has even nicknamed him "Shawnie Bonnie" so I think it's safe to say she approves.

I still find myself being overly cautious of someone else watching the kids, especially when it'll just be me when Harry is across the world, but I have a lot of faith that this is going to be a good match for our little family.

Over the last few days, I had started packing my apartment up in order to get everything ready to move into Max and Lila's house. I basically only have my clothes and the big things like my bed and some random odds and ends out in the living room left to be packed up.

I have some mixed emotions about moving into the same home that Harry is basically living in. It can't really count as living with my boyfriend when he's going to be leaving in ten days, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some hesitation about how fast this new —albeit familiar— relationship is moving.