Far from home|KTH

A place where I belong

"Are you ready ?", he finally asked.

The time had come.

She shook her head desperately as he approached her. She took a few steps back as if she tried to escape him, like that would help in this situation to prevent the obvious.

She had to leave.

"Hey...", he said as he pulled her shaking body in for a hug, trying his hardest to resolve the lump in his chest and throat. "It's going to be okay".

"It's not", she sniffled. "How will I live without you?".

"You don't have to. I'm just a call or text away", he replied, trying to give her something to hold on to.

"It's not the same....", she replied, her voice breaking.

"I know...but it's what we have for now", he said calmly.

He grabbed her face in his palms, wiping away her tears, kissing her softly, tasting her salty tears.

"Deep breaths baby, you will be okay", he continued, trying to get her ready for departure. "We have to go, the others are waiting for you downstairs".

He grabbed her hand in his and her bag in the other, leading her to the elevator. It was the longest walk of his life.

Her shaky breaths and whimpers filled the elevator on the way down, him staring into the wall firmly to keep it together.

The doors opened revealing Namjoon standing outside waiting for them, ready to grab her bags.

"Hey man. Emma are you ready?", Namjoon said, observing the fragile state of his friend.

"Give me a moment, please", she replied.

He nodded and walked to the car, leaving the two of them alone for the last moments.

Tae's arms wrapped around her tightly again. He had no words left, there was nothing he could say to make her feel better, to comfort her. She felt the same pain as him, the same surreal thoughts.

"It is time for you to go...", he whispered. "Please take care and call me. Promise me that?", he said, his voice breaking this time. "I love you, forever".

Her arms let go of him in slow motion, her teary eyes meeting his.

"I promise, promise me the same", she whispered and got on her toes for the last time to kiss his lips.

There was nothing left to say or do. She walked away slowly, turning back to get one last look of someone she would always consider the love of her life.

He watched her get into the car, Namjoon greeting her as the door closed.

He couldn't comprehend what was happening, watching the black van role away slowly from his building. His eyes followed it as long as they could before he finally broke down and cried like a child on his way back up to his apartment. His heart shattered into a million pieces, her taking every piece with her. It felt like something had died, and he had no idea how to recover from that. All he felt was deep sorrow and a unfillable emptiness.

The car ride to the airport was a tough one. Every mile further away from him felt like going against everything she believed in. The tears wouldn't stop streaming down her cheeks, Namjoon doing his best to comfort her.

They met up with Suga and Vanessa in a coffee shop at the airport, waiting for their departure. The other chatted loudly and cheerfully as usual, but Emma was quiet. All she felt was sadness and her tears seemed endless. How do you continue to live when it feels like your heart has been ripped out of its chest? When grief overpowers you with all its force.

She followed the rest of them through the gate and into the aircraft, still not saying a word, still crying silently, feeling hollow. Her eyes watched LA disappear as they finally took of into the night, towards home in Seoul. Or at least what used to be home. For her it felt like she was leaving home towards the unknown. 

She should be excited like the others about going home. But listening to them talk about what they would eat and do as soon as they landed just made her sick to her stomach. She would have done anything to just not go home right now. It didn't feel like home. Home was Tae.

She finally managed to fall asleep with a little help from medication. Her mind was running wild even in her dreams.

She woke up to a silent aircraft early in the morning to find Namjoon awake, eating his breakfast next to her.

"Good morning, did you sleep okay?", he asked, observing her with a concerned look in his eyes.

She nodded.

"I slept at least...that's good enough", she replied in a depressed tone .

"You finally stopped crying", he said, still looking concerned.

"I guess so...", she said and grabbed a piece of bread from his plate.

"So...what's your plan? We are approaching Seoul as we speak", he continued.

Emma looked out of the window and sighed deeply.

"I don't know...I really don't. Why am I like this...I should know damn it", she replied, still staring out of the window.

"What are you going to tell Jin?", he asked straight out.

"I don't know...", she answered again.

"A few words of advice?", he offered.

"Sure", she replied and looked at him curiously.

"When we land in a little while I suggest that you get yourself together. He can't see you this messed up. Put on your best performance face and go on with your life for now. Until you figure things out", he replied.

Emma thought about it. Maybe he was right. Jin surely was expecting for it to take some time for her to adjust back to her life here. No need for panic before she had a little time to think, to sort her thoughts, to gain some perspective.

She nodded looking at Namjoon as the plane landed safely.

"Ready?", he asked as they stood up and walked through the aisle towards the gate.

"As ready as I'll ever be", Emma answered, following him tightly.

She grabbed her bags and walked towards the exit with her heart beating out of her chest.

One last deep breath, you got this, showtime, she convinced herself before the doors opened and she was greeted by Jin's smile and a warm hug.

"Welcome home baby girl. I missed you".