Down The Highway

Chapter Thirty-Five

The orange sky above me, the rough and rocky road of St. John Street, the sunlight which was bouncing through my skin filled me up. I took a deep breath while I was walking alone. Sometimes it's good to be alone. No one bothers you, no one controls you, no one scares you or embarrasses you because you are just by yourself. I am the only one who knows everything about myself. How I feel, my side thoughts about people, and what I actually feel when I am with them.

In short, I know myself better than anyone else. Good thing that I can trust myself when it comes to secrets. Somehow, some things help me. When I look at the mirror, it doesn't judge me nor laugh at me. When I cry on my pillow, it holds my tears, and when I talk to animals, they don't say anything bad to me. I hate people. Except for Jannet, Myrna, and Maureen. Maybe because they're the ones who made me realize how bad some people are.

Back then, I used to hate Dylan as well. But I learned to love him like how he learned to change himself. "What's up?" There he was again, starting a conversation. Assignments done! On my way to a book shop, Friday nights are nights for me and the girls to go shopping, but that day, they all went to the party which our classmate invited us to earlier.

I faked a smile when I looked at him. "What are you doing here, again? Travis?" Like I told him before, I would call him Travis in private and would call him Shawn in public. I started doing it.

He smiled as he walked next to me, standing on ripped jeans and a jean jacket. "Are you not coming to the party tonight?" He asked gracefully. His usual mood ever since then. "Nah, I'm all good. I'm on my way to a book store. I don't want to meet more people that could ruin my ruined life" I faced him as the smile on his face vanished when I said ruined life. I was not lying anyway. I was just speaking facts.

Some people would understand and others would not. "Maybe some people can help you mend your broken heart" I laughed, took pity on him, "I didn't say that my heart is broken and that I need someone to help me mend it" he bit his lower lips after I spoke. Smoke in the air, as we passed by a vape shop.

"You don't need to pretend," said Travis.

"Oh! So am I the one who's pretending?" I seriously but teasingly asked to make him kind of uncomfortable with me.

"I'm telling you, Travis, I'm so nicely done playing games" I added.

He raised his shoulders.

My fingertips met my face as I scratched it when it got itchy after a mosquito bit me. "Then don't play it adequately" he stated like how I spoke earlier. I rolled my eyes and placed my hands together in front of my chest. "You are not going to the party?" He asked one more time. I almost ran out of patience but at least I did not.

"I already said no, why aren't you listening to me?" I aggressively asked.

"Is there something you want to do with me again at the party that's why you are pushing me to attend?" I frowned at him like I was saying that I memorized him already. That every single inch of his brain is taken down by me. "Calm down!" He expressed, who would when you are with him?

Maybe someday I will figure out the reason why you still came back when you already know that I don't want to see you again. I'm so sick of your lies and the lies you gave before. So don't start another. I don't want to fall again to someone I've fallen for before.

I thought.

I took an aggressive sigh.

"I can't calm down, because you keep my temper held high" I bit my lips.

He just raised his shoulders like he didn't hear me. "So, control or stop yourself" one more word, and I would cry again. I was not able to control myself from missing him before, how can I stop falling in love again?

"Why don't you do it?" I asked. "It's so simple. You just got to get away from me" I added.

"So you think it's that easy? I didn't want to be here anyway. Not my choice. If I would have some options, then I would just choose to be back in Kazakhstan" he spoke disappointedly

Kazachstan.

That one place he told me where he came from back when I first met him. When he told me his parents wanted him to move to London to experience the place where they grew up.

So it's their fault? That I have to cry over Travis who was just a guy?

He was just a guy, but the memories though.

They were not that strong but can't be out of my head.

It's a silly thing. If the girls would find out about this, I'm sure they would pity it like what I do.

But they are clueless about it. I'm grateful that they are.

"Options? You don't need those anymore. Because once, you had options but you waisted your chance to choose. Or should I say that you chose the wrong option" I gave him a serious look. He froze in front of me, while still thinking, and there was me, passed him by, and left him staring at the wind. I couldn't take it, love is a losing game. 3% can win and I'm part of the 97% who can't win. Maybe if I would make a few changes, and rules in the game of love, it would be better than before. Or maybe not.

We ain't sure, I ain't sure, no one is.

But maybe someday, I could understand everything. Every single thing about why I had to meet him, why I had to lose him, why he had to lie to me, why he chose to be weak, why he chose to do the wrong thing, why we had to meet again, why he had to come back, and most especially, why he had to make me cry again.