My Classmate, My Wife (Revised & Complete)

FORTY: I Ain't, Yet

I am hurting so bad because of Andrew.  The pain was too much for me to handle. Tinatatagan ko lang ang sarili ko. Pero deep inside me, wasak na wasak na ako.

"If you don't want us to hear your hatred, we can go down. Right Gab?" he tilted his head probably to look at Gab who's standing somewhere behind me.

"Opo!" Mabilis na sagot niya.

Bababa sila? Pero hindi pa nga sila nakakapag-pahinga dahil wala pang 10 minutes simula nung makaakyat kami dito eh. Besides, getting up here wasn't that easy. Tapos bababa lang sila para hindi ako marinig?

"No need. Hear me scream my pains."

I went near to the edge of the cliff. Hinihipan ng hangin ang balat ko. Malamig ito na may halong init dahil sa sikat na ang araw. Pero masarap sa pakiramdam.

I took a deep breath. I'll leave it here, once and for all.

Nasasaktan ako pero hindi pwede na tumagal akong ganito. If love can't really be felt without hurting, then hurt me all you want. Oo nasasaktan ako, pero hindi ko pinagsisisihan na binigyan ko si Andrew ng chance na mapalapit sa akin. Dahil sa mga panahon na 'yon, naging masaya din naman ako.

He made me happy. Pinaranas niya sa akin na sumaya at maramdaman ang pagmamahal mula sa ibang tao, maliban sa pamilya ko at kay Trisha.

He made me feel loved. A romance kind of love.

Lumingon ako sa likod ko kung saan naabutan ko si Thunder at Gab na magkatabi at nakatingin sa akin. Mukhang hinihintay nila akong sumigaw.

I smiled, "Bear with my words. I won't filter them." I told them.

I took one deep breath, again. Then I started counting in my head.

1..

2..

3..

"I HATE YOU ANDREW! I HATE YOU SO BAD! YOU'RE A FUCKING JERK! MAHAL KITA PERO GINAGO MO LANG AKO! SABI MO MAHAL MO AKO PERO IBA YUNG GINAGAWA MO! I HATE YOU ASSHOLE! I LOVE YOU BUT LOVE MYSELF MORE! MAGSAMA KAYO NG JASMINE MO!!! MAGSAMA KAYONG DALAWA! ARRRGHHHH! IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU LOVE, THEN I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT THIS KIND OF LOVE!"

Napatukod ako sa mga tuhod ko. Pakiramdam ko naubusan ako ng hininga dahil sa ginawa kong tuloy-tuloy na pagsigaw.

I didn't bother to pause because I want to scream all my pain away.

Hiningal ako sa ginawa ko. Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko na para bang tumakbo ako nang mabilis. It feels like I ran a mile!

Matapos kong kumuha ng hangin, nilingon ko na ang dalawang lalaki na kasama ko. Nginitian ako ni Thunder na para bang ang galing-galing ko dahil nagawa kong isigaw ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Tapos si Gab naman na nasa tabi niya, naka-thumbs up.

I feel proud of myself. I did it! I did!

And yes, I feel lighter now. I feel better. Gumaan nga ang loob ko dahil sa ginawa ko. I can feel that something inside my chest was gone. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa lalamunan. Parang nawala yung dala-dala kong mundo.

Ang gaan sa pakiramdam!

"That's my girl." Thunder said when he went near me. His girl? Napataas ang kanang kilay ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

"I ain't your girl," I corrected him. Yung maaliwalas niyang mukha ay biglang dumilim dahil sa sinabi ko. "Yet." I continued.

It took him seconds before he was able to digest what I've just said. Palihim akong napangiti nung lumiwanag ulit yung mukha niya dahil nag-sink in na ang sinabi ko.

Silly. He's calling me his girl kahit hindi pa naman.

Yes hindi PA.

Aware naman ako sa nararamdaman ni Thunder para sa akin. I am not dumb para hindi maramdaman that I am more than just a friend for him. And when he told me that he's better than Andrew, mas nanging concrete ang nararamdaman ko.

I am not closing the door. But I need time to heal and recover. I need to settle things with Andrew first. Kailangan tapusin ang dapat tapusin para makapag-simula ako.

"So what's next?" Tanong ko sakanya. I had both of my hands placed on my waist while waiting for his response.

"That's next." Tinuro niya ang dagat. My forehead creased.

Dagat? Ibig sabihin mag je-jet ski na kami? Banana boat? Swimming? Snorkeling? Ano bang ibig niyang sabihin?

Mukhang nahulaan niya na naguluhan ako sa sagot niya.

Pinanuod ko siyang lumapit sa dulo ng cliff. He looked down then shifter his gaze to me. Sinenyasan niya ako na lumapit sakanya. Ginawa ko naman.

"Cliff diving. That's next." He announced while looking down. And I'm shookt!

**
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