What the Heart Wants (Sirius Black Love Story)

Chapter 25

James and Sirius were walking back up to the castle after mapping out the last area they needed to finish their map. It was a couple of days before the next full moon, so they didn't feel any ill effects from being so near the forest, and it had only taken them around fifteen minutes to complete their task. They crowded together under the invisibility cloak and spoke in hushed voices as they made their way through the castle.

"So, Sadie really didn't give a reason for not being able to go with you tonight?" James asked, brow furrowed.

Sirius was quiet for a moment. "No, she didn't say anything more than that she couldn't come. I dunno, she's been a bit off lately. I can't get a read on her even when I am with her, which hasn't been very often."

"Yeah, I've noticed that she suddenly hasn't been coming up to sleep with you anymore...Did you guys have a fight that you're just not telling me about?"

"Not that I know of!" Sirius shook his head in bewilderment. "But it does seem like she's been avoiding me lately." He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice, but he'd never been good at keeping things from James, who gave him a knowing look.

"How's Cynthia?" He asked in a would-be-casual tone.

Sirius groaned. This was not a subject that he felt much like talking about, and his insides squirmed with guilt as he thought about his girlfriend. It wasn't that he didn't like Cynthia; he actually liked her quite a lot. She was intelligent and witty, and he genuinely enjoyed the time that they spent together. But the more time went on, the more Sirius was coming to recognize that he would not be getting over Sadie any time soon. He knew it wasn't fair to Cynthia; she deserved to be with somebody who could give her their all and make her their top priority, and Sirius, as hard as he might try, was not that person.

There were fleeting moments when he thought Cynthia must know where his feelings really were. Her eyes would narrow almost imperceptibly when she noticed him and Sadie together, and she was usually very eager to pull him away. He would almost always allow her to, however reluctantly, though it had been more than a week since it had been necessary at all. He hadn't been exaggerating when he told James that Sadie seemed to be avoiding him. She'd hardly spoken three sentences to him since Quidditch practice the weekend before, and she hadn't met his eyes once. Sirius had spent more hours than he would care to admit agonizing over what he might have done to make her upset with him, and, thus far, he'd drawn up a blank. There was one fear that kept creeping into his mind, and he figured it was about time he asked James about it.

"Cynthia's fine," he said shortly as they climbed through the portrait hole and headed up to their dormitory. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and waited until they were shut inside their room before clearing his throat. "Hey, you haven't, you know, mentioned anything to Sadie about...um...how I feel about her, right?"

Remus lowered the book he was reading and looked up at them, Peter sitting up on his bed to do the same. James stared at Sirius incredulously. "What kind of friend do you think I am?!"

Sirius gave a forced laugh and held up his hands. "Just checking...um... has she said anything to any of you about me? Or maybe about why she hasn't been talking to me?"

All three boys shook their heads and shrugged. Sirius sighed and nodded glumly, walking over to his bed. James rolled his eyes.

"Look, mate, I don't know what's going on with my sister at the moment, but I do know that she completely adores you. She wouldn't let something like you having the hots for her get in the way of that." He ducked out of the way as Sirius chucked his pillow at him. "Come on, what was that for?! We all know you do!"

Sirius didn't respond. The fact was that "the hots" did not feel like an accurate way to describe how he felt about Sadie. Call him a sap, but his feelings ran much deeper than that. Of course, he was attracted to her on a physical level; she was bloody gorgeous, and he'd laugh in the face of anyone with the gall to pretend otherwise. But there was much, much more than that. She was, usually, so full of simple wonder, somehow finding beauty and happiness in the small details of life. His problems always seemed so miniscule in her presence, as though her existence was enough to give him the strength to conquer anything. She had such a strong, genuine desire to nurture, and he craved the opportunity to care for her the way that she cared for him and for others. Her laugh came easily, the most glorious sound he had ever heard, and he could talk and laugh with her for hours without tiring. It was almost painful how badly he wanted to share every moment with her for the rest of their lives.