What the Heart Wants (Sirius Black Love Story)

Chapter 30

Sirius cursed furiously at himself as he sped through the corridors and up to the common room. Once there, he ignored the greetings of James, Remus, and Peter, brushing past them and dashing up to the dormitory where he threw himself onto his bed, yanked the curtains closed, cast a silencing charm, and let out a yell of anger. How could he have been so stupid, kissing her like that?

Granted, she had kissed him back, and it had been incredible. His heart pounded as he remembered the taste of her mouth and the feeling of her lips on his. Then he shook his head angrily, shoving those details out of his mind. She had obviously been upset after another fight with Prewett, and he had used that vulnerability to his own selfish advantage. Not that that had been his intention, but it's what had happened, nonetheless.

Despite the obvious tension between her and Prewett lately, Sirius was sure that she still loved and cared deeply for the git. And as aggravated as he was about their relationship, Sirius had never wanted to be the one to screw up her happiness. Now he was terrified that he had done just that.

The curtains around his bed parted just slightly, and James spoke tentatively. "Pads?"

Sirius groaned and looked at his best mate reluctantly. "Hey, Prongsie." James took that as an invitation to pull the curtains open and sit on the bed.

"What happened? Sadie just went up to her dorm...She looks like she's been crying. And you're obviously upset about something too..."

Sirius felt his heart sink and was quiet for several moments, eyes squeezed tightly shut, before he mumbled an incoherent response. James frowned.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that..."

He opened his eyes to look at James miserably. "I...I kissed her..."

James's eyebrows shot up. He stared at his friend and cleared his throat uncertainly. "Right...and er...I take it that it didn't go so well?" Sirius swallowed hard, and his voice came out barely above a whisper.

"I shouldn't have done it. She was upset, and...I dunno! "

James's face hardened slightly. "Padfoot, did you take advantage of my sister?"

Sirius avoided his gaze in shame. "I...we were just talking, and then she acted like she wanted to, and I just...I didn't think...at least not at first. I did come to my senses after a minute...I know that probably doesn't make it any better."

"Did she...kiss you back then?" James asked in confusion. Sirius hesitated before nodding. "And you pulled away?" Another nod. "Did you guys talk about it?"

"No...I just...sort of apologized and ran away..."

James gaped at him. "You kissed her and then just abandoned her? Merlin's balls, you sodding prat!"

"Don't you get it?!" Sirius snapped. "I've royally screwed up everything! Her relationship with Prewett, my friendship with her, any chance I ever might have had with her, it's all ruined! So, forgive me if I panicked in the moment and didn't know what else to do besides hightail it out of there! And do you honestly think I don't feel like the world's biggest arse for all of this?!"

James took a deep breath. "Alright, alright, calm down. I'm sure it isn't that bad. We'll be able to smooth everything over, and things will turn out just fine, alright? Let me go see if I can get one of the other girls to run up and grab Sadie. I'll talk to her, yeah?"

Sirius just nodded wordlessly, his throat feeling strangely tight. James sighed and shook his head as he stood and walked out the door.

A few minutes later, Lily hesitantly entered the girls' dormitory to find Sadie huddled in her favorite window seat overlooking the lake. Her shoulders gave the occasional shudder as tears slid down her cheeks. Frowning, Lily made her way over to sit and slip an arm around her friend's shoulders.

"Sadie? What's wrong?"

Sadie didn't answer right away, not knowing exactly what to say. She knew she couldn't get away with acting like everything was fine, but she also felt too mortified to tell anyone about her kiss with Sirius and his subsequent rejection. Finally, she took some shaky breaths to try and stop her tears so that she could speak.

"Um...I walked in on Gideon with another girl..." she mumbled. Lily inhaled sharply. "Like...with her, with her...and...I broke up with him."

"Well, I should hope so!" Lily exclaimed angrily. "What a complete and utter toerag! Ohhhh when I get my hands on him..."

Sadie gave a small smile in spite of herself. "It's fine, Lils. I got a little bit of revenge anyway. He wouldn't leave me alone, so I hit him with a stinging hex."

Lily grinned. "Good. I know I'm a prefect and shouldn't condone that sort of behavior, but I'll make an exception in this case." Sadie giggled, and Lily sighed sadly. "Merlin, I'm sorry, Sade. That's awful. I know how much you love him."

Sadie looked away and hugged her knees closer to her chest. "Yeah, well...things have been falling apart for a while now. I just think neither of us has had the courage to end things cleanly, so... here we are..."

"Yeah..." Lily gazed at her sadly. "Still, it's got to be hard, and you're obviously upset by it." Sadie smiled wryly. "Your brother is worried about you. He saw you come in and could tell something had happened. He wanted me to come and fetch you. Do you feel up to talking to him, or do you want me to tell him to bugger off?"

Sadie laughed. "I'd rather be alone for a bit. Just tell him I'll talk to him about things later."

"Do you mind if I tell him what happened?"

"Oh..." Sadie hesitated before nodding with a sigh. "That's fine. I imagine everyone will find out eventually. I'd much rather he hears about it from you or me than from whatever rumors are about to start." Lily nodded in understanding.

"Can do. I imagine he and Sirius will be more than happy to give Gideon some just desserts." Sadie felt a pang at the sound of Sirius's name but forced a laugh. Lily pulled her into a tight hug. "Let me know if I can do anything for you, okay?"

Sadie swallowed hard and nodded. "Thanks, Lily. You're the best."

Lily gave her one last squeeze and left her to be alone with her thoughts once more. Sadie stood hesitantly and walked over to her bed, where she wrapped herself up in the blanket Sirius had made for her. As much as it hurt to think about him, the blanket was, after all, the most comforting thing she owned. She curled up in bed and inhaled deeply, heart squeezing in her chest as the smell of Sirius filled her nostrils.

"Merlin, I love him," she thought weakly. The feeling and smell of the blanket soothed her enough that she was able to keep from crying anymore, but that didn't mean that she could stop thinking about it just yet. She kicked herself mentally for ever kissing him. As much as she wanted a romantic relationship with him, she would much rather have remained best friends than to lose him completely because she had been stupid enough to shove her feelings in his face when he obviously didn't feel the same way. She was sure he would feel awkward now. She was no better than all the other girls at Hogwarts who made moves on him...

Her last thought before she drifted into a restless sleep was that she hoped that they might someday be able to put this whole mess behind them and at least be friends again.

Sirius's fists clenched as James told him what Lily had said. Prewett was going to get it. Nobody hurt Sadie like that and got away with it. He and the other boys huddled together in their dormitory, each of them fuming, and drew up several possible plans for how to teach the git a lesson. It helped for a while to take Sirius's mind off of his kiss with Sadie.

When they had finished and gone to bed, however, all those thoughts came rushing back, along with a new one. He understood now, why she had wanted to kiss him; she'd been trying to get back at Prewett. And he had been an idiot and gone and made it very clear how he felt about her. He was sure he had scared her away and that she would want nothing to do with him anymore.

To his irritation, he felt a tear squeeze out of his eye, and he brushed it away angrily. He'd wait for her cue. When she was ready, maybe they could talk about things. In the meantime, he would focus on lessons, mischief with the boys, and making Prewett's life a living hell until the end of the year.