WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

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Healing is something i've come to learn a lot throughout my life

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Healing is something i've come to learn a lot throughout my life. I know it's not linear. It takes time. The pain is always there but, it lessens. It becomes more bearable.

It's been two months since the shooting. Two months of learning, overcoming and surviving. I have not been inside an O.R. since the day Cristina and I saved Derek. I never want to do heart surgery again.

It's been a lot of therapy and time to decompress. I go to therapy as often as I can. It has actually been very helpful. Meredith, Cristina, Lexie and I are the only ones who haven't been cleared for surgery. I think i'm on my way there, though. As long as it's not cardio, I know i'll be fine.

I do owe a lot of my healing to Jackson. He has not left my side since that night. He slowly but surely moved in with me and has slept next to me every night. We've helped each other. I'm really starting to fall in love with him.

We still haven't had sex. We both have just been...reeling. He wakes up almost every night to nightmares. He says it's nothing every time until I assure him he's not a burden.

We've cried in each other's arms countless times. The wound is still there. The shooting will always be a part of me despite how badly I just want to forget it. Derek and Alex got shot. Reed and Charles died along with nurses and other people. The energy in the hospital will never be the same.

We're all coping differently. For example, Cristina and Owen are getting married. She has been masking her pain by focusing on the wedding.

Today is Derek's first day back at the hospital. Webber took over as Chief while Derek healed. Derek has a nasty habit for going down the highway at 120 MPH. He gets arrested for reckless endangerment but is never charged because the cops worship him. It's a blessing his license hasn't been taken away.

Jackson and I stood in the lobby waiting for Derek to come back. I rested my head on his shoulder. When Derek entered, we all clapped for him.

He thanked everyone, looked at scans in his hand and stood in front of everyone. "Thank you very much. It's great to be back. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr. Webber for stepping up in my absence."

He paused so we could clap.

"I'm grateful for all of you, for all of your support during my recovery. Thank you. Uh, it's just so great to be back as Chief. I'm grateful for the..." He trailed off as he looked at the scans and then back at us. "I'm sorry. That's a lie. That's what people say, uh, the truth is...I hate being Chief. I hate it. Chief Webber. Chief Webber is our Chief. And i'm sorry, but this giant...sorry, I gotta go look at this chordoma. I'm sorry but, I quit." He rambled and walked off.

What just happened? My eyes widened as I looked up at Jackson. His reaction was the same.

Well, I was gonna ask him to clear me for surgery but, that's not going to happen now.

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