Waited (Pampanga series #1)

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

I feel so hopeless. Damang-dama ko ang pagguho ng lahat ng mga inalagaan ko, lahat ng mga pinaghirapan ko, pati ang pagguho ng pag-asa. The disappointment I have been feeling for almost a month successfully invaded my whole being.

Where did this started? How did it happen? When did I lost myself? I kept racking up my brain, finding all the answers why did it happen to me. Kung kailan nasa Grade 10 at ako ang inaasahang magvavaledictorian speech, saka pa nagkagulo ang lahat.

I felt like it is not only myself who I failed. I felt like I failed everyone's expectation. Sobrang guilty ko kina Papa at Mama. Sobrang binigo ko sila at hindi ko napanindigan ang pagiging mabuting anak.

Maybe some people won't understand me. They'd say it's just an award, or it's just my pride, that I shouldn't be too affected with getting stripped off of my places.

Some people won't understand the value of it. Maybe we have different things that we take seriously and value so much.

This is what I value. This is everything to me. This makes my parents, as well as myself, proud so it is very devastating.

Paulit-ulit kong hinahanap sa utak ko ang mga tanong ko. Kung paano nagsimula, kung saan at kailan, at kung bakit biglang nawala ko ang sarili ko.

I wondered where and how did I lost track of myself. I wondered how I ended up being like this, losing all of the things I worked hard for, the power, the pride, and how I ended up being a loser.

"Gwen, are you alright?" Kim snapped at me.

Napakurap-kurap ako at inalis ang tingin kay Mama na kausap ang adviser ko. Bumaling ako kay Kim.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

Sumulyap si Kim sa tinitignan ko kanina. Bumuntong-hininga siya nang ibalik ang tingin sa akin. Iniwasan ko ang naaawa niyang tingin at muling pinanood ang pag-uusap nina Mama at ng adviser namin.

It's the release of card today. Tapos na ang finals at opisyal nang nagsimula ang bakasyon. Naghihintay na lang kami ng moving up ceremony na kasabay ng graduation ng senior high. Pinapaalam kaagad kung sinong makakareceive ng awards kaya nandito kami ngayon sa school para sa release ng cards.

"Alam na ba ng Papa mo?" Sheerness asked.

Umiling ako. Ngayon ko pa lang nakumpirma na hindi ako ang top one. I ended up being in the fourth place because of the scores I had from the very start and the extra-curricular activities that I participated in.

Hindi nga lang sapat ang mga activities na iyon dahil ang mga pageant lang ang napanalunan ko. The quiz bee that I failed has large points could've helped me. And the finals didn't help me because I was so hopeless that I failed most of my subjects.

It is very hard to admit but it is now the truth. I lost being on top.

"Sana hindi siya gaanong magalit sa'yo. Ginawa mo naman ang best mo." Kim sighed.

Pinasadahan ko ang buhok ko gamit ang daliri. Tipid akong ngumiti at pinilit na huwag nang isipin iyon dahil ilang beses ko na rin namang ginawa iyon.

Every dreaded day that I wait for my cards after a week from finals feels like hell for me. I was crazy for the thoughts that I can't stop from invading my head, making me feel that I really failed.

I tried to smile. Ayaw kong pati sila maapektuhan sa akin. I know I have been so busy regaining my place that I had no time being with them. I'm sure that my failures affected them too because somehow, something about me changed.

Naging tahimik ako at hindi nila ako halos makausap nang maayos. Ni hindi ako makisabay sa kanila kasi ang nasa isip ko ay kung papaano makabawi. I felt sorry that I made them feel like that.