Untouchable - maya and carina

chapter 32 - its too much

"Stay with me baby" I eventually hear, breaking me out of my thoughts

"Hm?"

"you're going into your head,"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to," I say quietly

"I know, don't worry, try and sleep baby," I say as she rests her head on my chest

"you're so perfect for each other" Olivia says

Maya's POV

"That makes it sound like we're a couple" I laugh, realising ava fell asleep

"You know what I mean"

"I honestly don't know what would've happened if we didn't meet her when we did"

"With ava?"

"Yeah, and me, I don't even know if I would still be here, to be honest"

"Really?" she says, shocked

"Yeah, when I say she saved my life, I mean it literally"

"What did she do?"

"Well, the first day she came here, I ended up having a bad attack and panicked afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and locked myself inside, Amelia and kai were here as well but they couldn't figure out how to get in, but ava picked the lock and they found me sitting on the floor with a bag of blades, extremely close to doing it. If she didn't come in when she did then I would've"

"Woah," she said

"Yeah, but then a while after, I had an even bigger attack and I was just tired of everything, I managed to sneak a knife under my sleeve which nobody noticed so when I said I wanted to lay down they believed me and let me go. I could hear carina outside trying to stop ava from coming in, but I am so glad she is as stubborn as she is because that was the one time I had a knife with the intention of ending it all, not just causing pain. I snapped at her and told her I wanted to slit my wrists until I bled out though, and I don't think I will ever stop feeling guilty for that, but she sat with me, and she stopped me from doing anything, then she changed the subject, and we were laughing about a bunch of rubbish" I say, smiling at the memory

"You were going to end it?"

"Yeah, I've done it once, when I was 14 I think. My dad beat me up and yelled at me and after months of cutting, I ended up accidentally cutting too deep, I didn't intend to do it but when it happened, no part of me was upset. It was that way for years, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I found out it was my sister that found me unconscious, and she watched me flatline for 3 minutes that I felt bad that it happened."

"How did you stop?" she said quietly

"I didn't, it wasn't until I met carina that someone was around me for so long that I never had the opportunity to do it. I eventually told her about what I was thinking and got to the point where I could tell her when I had urges and she managed to stop me. I haven't had a big attack in a while so I don't know if I would still feel the need to do it or whether it's calmed down, either way, I don't think I would have the courage to leave ava and carina. Why do you ask?"

"Why do you think" she sighs

"when's the last time?" I ask quietly

"Last night I think, he yelled at me again and I just got frustrated, it's probably one of the cuts you sewed up, to be honest, it was quite deep"

"You can come over whenever you need to, ok?" I say sternly as she nods

"What was your dad like, aside from the physical abuse?" she asks