CRUSHED

xx - i can wallow in self-pity and resentment tomorrow

6/3/22

back from a motive uploading this lol

it's been a while. i love this chapter<3

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"I think they already know Scott. You haven't really been subtle about it." Alec rolls his eyes, sitting on the arm of his couch watching Scott pace his living room. "You're not listening to me Alec."

"Then make me understand. From what you've said, you don't want to date me. I'm not dumb I got that bit." "That's not what I mean-" Alec holds up a hand. "No Scott it is. You not wanting a single soul to know that we're 'hanging out' is you not wanting to date me. Arden always says the minute him and Nevaeh start dating everyone will know that she's his because he doesn't want anyone trying shit. And I know we're no Arden and Nevaeh, I'm not telling you to shout my name from the fucking rooftops, but we can at least tell the people closest to us." Scott averts his gaze, remembering the secret conversation the boys had after football practice one day, that Alec is referring to.

At one point Scott thought the same. The thought of anyone going near Alec because they thought they had a chance annoyed him almost as much as Brandon did. Now, he's not so sure. His fear of outside opinions is starting to trump that. He doesn't know if he's ready to tell anyone that he's bisexual. He doesn't know if he's ready for his best friends to know that he also likes guys- no matter how obvious it is and he doesn't know how Shay will react or how his own dad, the massively christian attorney general who he looks up to, will react. Oh God, and don't even mention his mother. Ara is all about keeping up appearances and though Scott doesn't think she cares about his sexual orientation, you never know with her.

"I know you're scared of your parents being disappointed. I know that, I do. I know you're scared of how other people will react but I don't understand why you would be scared of what our best friends will say. Is this even about that or do you just not like me anymore and you're desperately trying to find a way out. I'm not a baby Scott, you can tell me the truth." "Alec, it's not like that. I like you, I just-" This time Alec waits- impatiently- for Scott to finish his sentence instead of cutting him off.

"I just don't know if I'm ready to date-" Alec ends up cutting him off anyway, growing too impatient. "A boy. You don't know if you're ready to date a boy yet. In case you forgot you kissed me. I literally pulled away to ask you if you actually wanted to or if it was an in the moment thing, impulse, I don't know. But you reassured me it wasn't. You reassured me every fucking time. The whole of year eleven might know I'm fucking gay but that doesn't mean I'm ready to face the fucking world. It also doesn't mean I'm ready to be a part of your experiments. I'm not a toy Scott." Scott frowns at Alec's scowl. He hasn't heard him curse in a while.

"You're not an experiment Alec." Scott strides towards where Alec is and reaches out a hand. Alec turns his face away, a frown replacing his scowl.

"You're not an experiment Alec or a toy," Scott repeats, his annoyance also growing every passing second. Alec continues to ignore him, instead staring at his phone where his brother's name has now popped up for the fifth time. Shay is going to kill me for ignoring him.

Scott scoffs rolling his eyes. "I admit that I'm being a dick, okay? I admit that, but you're not in line to win the most considerate person of the year award either. You say you understand but you're still practically begging me to date you, telling me I'm experimenting with you. Stop trying to fucking guilt trip me into this Hudson. If I'm not fucking ready, I'm not fucking ready." The minute the words stop tumbling out Scott mentally acknowledges that he's going too far.

Alec stares at Scott, stunned. "Guilt trip you? Are you fucking kidding? I'm calling out your bullshit Lee." "Likewise," Scott snarls, "Why does it matter that I don't want to tell our friends. If you actually wanted to be with me you wouldn't care if anyone knew because you'd be content with just me." "Sue me for wanting to finally tell my brother the truth Scott, sorry that I'm done being a flipping coward unlike someone. I'm sick of hiding and sneaking around." "Well, not everything's about you Alec oh my fucking God," Scott bites back. The brunette clenches his jaw at Scott's tone. "We are not the same." Alec chuckles bitterly imagining what Scott will say next.

"There was never any question about you being gay. No one might've said anything but everyone secretly knows. It's one of those things at the back of the mind of everyone that knows you. You are unquestionably bent, people would probably be more shocked if you told them you were straight. But I have a reputation to uphold Alec. I'm not the person that gets called a fag and never will be. That's what makes us different. I don't have to be a cocksucker if I don't want to," Scott spits.

For a solid minute Alec sits there, motionlessly staring at Scott. Finally his brain recuperates and is able to send messages to his body again. He stands up, eyes stone cold, unlike his usual happy puppy appearance.

"Get out Scott. Get out of the marica's house and never fucking come back! Pendejo! Don't come running back to me when your parents fucking disown you!" Alec yells, rigid with annoyance and anger.

Scott's eye twitches at the comment but he doesn't respond to it. He knows he started it.

"Gladly," He yells back, marching out of the house. When Scott slams the front door shut he immediately lets out a stream of curses, realising what he's done. Five years of therapy and anger management classes gone down the drain in about thirty minutes.

Scott decides not to think about what he's just fucked up, I can wallow in self-pity and resentment tomorrow.

Today he has things to do. Things like meeting up with said massively christian attorney general father.